Advice on my scenario pt. 2

[sandi2]

My mind has a few scenarios playing about your W, but it would all be guesswork. The most curious part I find about the relationship (that you have shared with us so far) is her hiding the pregnancy for six months. It has been reported by women who did not know they were pregnant.......that they never had the big belly. I know one woman IRL that had that experience, and she swore she thought she was just gaining some weight, but wore her regular size jeans up until she was rushed to ER......b/c she was in labor. When I was six months pregnant, I don't think I could hidden it in a moo-moo dress! But my point is that she knew she was pregnant. She was married and apparently in a happy and healthy relationship with her H. And yet, she PLANNED a hidden pregnancy! I can't help but believe there is an emotional connection in the hidden pregnancy and what happened in her past.

Do you suspect she was molested as a child/teenager? If there happened to have been a pregnancy, and if she had to keep the pregnancy a secret.........it could have caused emotional issues for her. If she carried it to term, and her parents made her give it up for adoption.......I could see why she might have some fear in letting them know about this pregnancy......and maybe even fear telling you. I mean, they would have been the ones closest to her......so I could see why she would fear or mistrust the reactions to her pregnancy.

If there was a pregnancy and if she was forced to have an abortion......it could answer why she acted so strangely. The same could be said if she had been molested.........or if there had been incest. I know I am going way out on a limb here, and I have nothing to really go on but a gut feeling. It may have been nothing of the sort that ever happened, I hope and pray it didn't. But if it did, then she could have serious emotional issues that were never addressed properly..........and were kept a secret within her family.

At the risk of sounding like I'm playing psychologist here, I will even go futher and say it would make sense why she would escape reality into the fantasy of a Disney type of life. She might have been the fairest in all the land, but if she was not emotionally mature enough at the point of getting M........it would have been difficult for her to deal with day to day reality with a home, a H, and a baby. It can be quite the let down for young brides.

One of our board members, Vanilla, is very informed about personality disorders, etc. She might read your thread and give her take on your W's behavior (before the M and since then). As I've said previously, things were not what I think as being typical.....but, maybe that's just me. If Vanilla has not posted on your thread, you might try to run her down and ask her to drop by.

How do i justifiably leave the woman i spoke an oath to, when she is sick?
That played a big role in putting the D on hold for me. That is what I don't want to do it.

Actually, she is the one that left the M and broke her vows, but I know what you are saying. I have raised two men who have the same type of morals and viewpoints about women, love, vows, etc.

I don't think someone else will be able to give you the emotional justification.......and/or the moral justification you ponder at the moment. It is something that you have to decide, and you're just not ready at this time. The decision may be taken from you, if she files for the D. But let's talk about what you wrote in your post. It really choked me up when I read the agony in your words. You are hurting so much and I hope this post won't add more pain. Until you know more about what is really wrong with your W, I am concerned it will emotionally imprison you to some extent. Not knowing if there is a mental illness or if there's some tragedy in her past that has left terrible untreated wounds..........how could it not haunt you? I may completely off base with my perceptions. There may be nothing wrong other than waywardness. if that's the case, you cannot deal with it as though she were sick.

For now, my suggestion is to not initiate D proceedings, as long as you feel this strongly. MThere is such a thing as moving forward with living.......without closing the books on your love and the marriage with your W. If you were my son, I would tell you not to pursue her, but not to slam the door shut as long as your feelings stay this strong and she's not a threat to you and your child.......and if she doesn't remarry. As a mother, I would probably want to see you move on and build a life apart from her........as a way of finding a happier life. But for now, I think focusing on having the best relationship with your son, and GAL is the best thing to do. If your W does not turn to you for help, or to take her back, then you aren't going to influence her decisions in seeking professional help. All you can do is be the lighthouse on the rock. (Have you read the lighthouse link)?

My concern is that she may try to dart in & out of your marriage (between other affairs), keeping you and your son upset. Maybe promising to get therapy or whatever, but not sticking with it. I hope you can find peace with what to do, considering the situation with her. You probably want to go whisk her away and bring her back home (the whole knight in shining armor thing)........which is also b/c you love her. Here's the thing, Orange. No matter what a terrific man you are, the problem lies in the heart/mind of your W. You can stand on your morals and standards, but it doesn't mean it will change hers. Know what I mean? I'm certainly not expecting you to change your beliefs, but neither can you force her to change. Even if she is reacting to something else, if she won't let you in.......then you can't force it. As long as you don't feel your child is in danger, you basically have to wait for her to come to you. If she does, then hopefully, you can get her to seek help. One thing is for certain, if she doesn't need individual therapy, the two of you will need a good M therapist. I hope she gets therapy first.

For a while, you may be required to love her from a distance. Give her space and take some for yourself. Space and time can do a lot of good when there's problems in the MR. Plus, if she breaks it off with the OM, she'll need a little time before her feelings change back to you. At least, that's the way it is with typical WW's.

This will sound like a stretch coming from someone who isn't religious.
Can you pray for her?
Her family is faithful, and I know if they knew the truth, they would appreciate it.

Oh, Orange! Yes, I will pray for her, as well as for you and your little boy. (((hugs)))