No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

I understand, really. I grew up in a little traditional church. My parents were very strict and religious. I come from a line of strong women, and my mother was quite spunky, but always....always a lady. My father was a WW2 vet and there was no doubt who was the head/leader in our home. He was exactly what my mother needed. If my mother had M a soft man who had NGS, she would have filed for D on the grounds of disgust. You see, men with NGS make lovely boyfriends, but not so much H's. Of course every man with NGS has different degrees of it.......just like every WW will differ a bit.

I was also raised in a very religious home. Christian school my whole life. This definitely contributes to some of my confusion and helped shape me to develop NGS. But, like I said, it's all starting to become clear .

Anyway, back to turning the other cheek, this does not mean you become a door mat.
Men who are already nice-guys, plus live by the principles you've mentioned.........can have trouble finding the middle road, so to speak. To them, these "Golden Rule" standards almost feeds his nice-guy syndrome........and, IMHO, I often wonder if it becomes a subconcious excuse for them not taking a more assertive approach in their relationships. Learning how to rightly divide the scripture.......or as I say, knowing how to stay balanced in your thinking and actions......is the key that will open doors for you. I think when I first start talking about applying a tougher love in the MR, the H mentally pictures a mean, over-bearing type of man. He jumps from one end of the spectrum to the opposite end. See what I am saying?

I think you are totally right about it becoming a subconscious excuse for not being assertive. I have never been what you would call an assertive person, but as I grew up and became an adult, I became much more assertive socially and in the workplace etc. But for some reason I'm still the scared little boy version of myself when it comes to relationships. Yes, the balance is the key. I don't think I'm in any danger of becoming mean or domineering. I just need to get comfortable standing up to my W and communicating assertively, as opposed to passive-aggressively or submissively etc.

That's wonderful, 44. Remember, the lighthouse does not go out into the waters to rescue the sailor in the storm. It does not bend or move from its position. It stands tall and solid, giving out that beam of light. If the sailor will follow that light, s/he can make it to shore. It is the lighthouse's job to give a beam of light. It's the sailor's decision to follow the beam to shore, or choose her own path and risk destruction.

So, so important and true. This is what I strive to be and in the past I definitely would have gone swimming, thinking I was playing the hero. Now I understand that I cannot rescue someone, especially if they don't want to be rescued. They will not view me as a hero, they will resent me. They need to come back to shore on their own in their own time, if ever.

Yes, I think if you are consistent......she will start backing off. I don't think it will be overnight, or stop all at once. It is a pattern of behavior she uses with you, so you have to train her that she can't act that way with you. She'll slack off, but this will be her brand of testing you to see if you are staying strong enough to tell her, "Don't even go there with me".

This makes sense. Consistency is key.

Once you've establishedtrust boundary and you call her out whenever she starts displaying this behavior, you won't have to say much in order for her to know she can't play that game with you. Learning short phrases like I just gave, will be useful, and shouldn't be difficult.

"Don't even try to start that old stuff, b/c it won't work".
"Back off"!
"Don't start, b/c I'm not going to join your game".
"Try another approach, b/c this one is not going to fly".
"You need to back up and try again, b/c this doesn't work for me".
"Don't start".

Another index card

Eventually, you should be able to just give her "the look" that tells her you won't tolerate it. That is how parents do with their kids. They have to train them how to behave properly, especially at certain times & places. If they have done a decent job of training, and one of the kids forget (or test) the parent b/c they are at the grocery store or at someone's house........all mom has to do is snap her fingers and point at the kid, and he knows he'd better straighten up right that minute! I had a hyper kid, and as they say, he was all boy. However, by the time he was in school, all I had to do was give him "the look", and he immediately knew what to do. WW's can act like undisciplined children. So in the beginning of training her what is not acceptable and what you won't tolerate, you may wonder if she'll ever stop testing you. Not letting her get by a few times before calling her out is key. I can't stress that enough. Short, simple, firm, and consistency is the formula.

Got it. Everything would be so different if I had the kind of power that came with that look. I don't have kids, but it reminds me of training dogs as well. They might obey in a quiet setting at home, but at the park, next to a bike, etc is a whole different ball game. Good training means that snap of the fingers works, no matter the setting. And like you said, the only way your dog will ever become that reliably trained is if he knows you will never give him an inch. Not that I'm trying to compare my W to a dog


Today was a day of mixed feelings for me. Emotionally, I struggled. I could tell she was texting OM most of the day. I would say the most accurate description is to say I felt discouraged. I was missing my W. Tomorrow will be exactly 4 weeks since BD. On one hand, I can't believe it's already been a month. On the other, reality hit as to just how long the road is. Sooo much patience, no guarantees.

But, on the bright side, I am making so much progress with my own growth. I picked up another book today to add to my arsenal. It is about why relationships become unbalanced. Wow, it's like the textbook I never thought existed on this topic. So much great information. Of course, it's agonizing to have all the thoughts like "why didn't I find this sooner?", "if only my W could read this!" And so on. But I am learning so much about myself as I read and now know why I have always felt like the powerless one in my relationships. Really completes the picture along with NGS, male dominance etc.

Sandi, you'll be happy to hear that I recorded a few successes today. First, it was my turn to make dinner and I assertively asked my W if she could please help by cutting the chicken. Something that has always frustrated me is that when it's my turn to cook, she sits on her @ss watching TV while I prepare the whole meal. But when it's her turn, she drags me into it with her and I help do half of it. Well, she b'tched and moaned as expected, but best believe she was in that kitchen doing what I asked. I only needed one thing and I thanked her and told her she was free to go when she finished. Later, she came back for a snack and asked me to go pause her show while she fixed it. I'm in the middle of cooking dinner! I flat out told her no. One word. Later, she said she needed a water...I said well then go get one. I'm not your errand boy. She pushed back though. Keeps asking why I have an attitude. At one point, she said something like don't be surprised if I ask you to take me to the airport one day so I can go be on my own.

I won't lie, it makes me question what I'm doing. But then she always come back and her mood doesn't last. I was trying to write this post earlier and she came into my room asking what I was doing and actually tried to manhandle my iPad out of my hands! She also asked if I was talking to a girl when I was on the phone with my dad. I think she is feeling the loss of control. She was drinking a bit tonight and needed to go to her work office suddenly (long story) so I had to drive her. She made some comments about being lonely, only having the dogs to talk to, feeling mentally unstable. It made me really sad. At the end of the day, sometimes it's really hard for me to understand why she is so miserable and why my love wasn't enough. Not trying to get all sappy, but it's a very helpless, dejected feeling.