Wow, I am so glad you are willing to take the time to explain all of this to me; you completely nailed that my first instinct is to probably think of taking the high road. The whole thing about turn the other cheek, have a heart of forgiveness...I think they are important things, but it clearly takes some skill to properly wield them and isn't always appropriate.
I understand, really. I grew up in a little traditional church. My parents were very strict and religious. I come from a line of strong women, and my mother was quite spunky, but always....always a lady. My father was a WW2 vet and there was no doubt who was the head/leader in our home. He was exactly what my mother needed. If my mother had M a soft man who had NGS, she would have filed for D on the grounds of disgust. You see, men with NGS make lovely boyfriends, but not so much H's. Of course every man with NGS has different degrees of it.......just like every WW will differ a bit.
Anyway, back to turning the other cheek, this does not mean you become a door mat. Men who are already nice-guys, plus live by the principles you've mentioned.........can have trouble finding the middle road, so to speak. To them, these "Golden Rule" standards almost feeds his nice-guy syndrome........and, IMHO, I often wonder if it becomes a subconcious excuse for them not taking a more assertive approach in their relationships. Learning how to rightly divide the scripture.......or as I say, knowing how to stay balanced in your thinking and actions......is the key that will open doors for you. I think when I first start talking about applying a tougher love in the MR, the H mentally pictures a mean, over-bearing type of man. He jumps from one end of the spectrum to the opposite end. See what I am saying?
Quote:
Things like the lighthouse story really resonate with me because I think my self-image is built a lot on being emotionally steady and fulfilling that idealistic fantasy that girls will be crazy and all over the place, but if you are standing there waiting when they calm down they will love you or something. I have gone far down the wrong tunnel; thank goodness I am learning this now while I'm still young I guess. I am really starting to see the line between lighthouse and doormat.
That's wonderful, 44. Remember, the lighthouse does not go out into the waters to rescue the sailor in the storm. It does not bend or move from its position. It stands tall and solid, giving out that beam of light. If the sailor will follow that light, s/he can make it to shore. It is the lighthouse's job to give a beam of light. It's the sailor's decision to follow the beam to shore, or choose her own path and risk destruction.
Quote:
If I start calling it out every time and make it clear I won't tolerate it, will she stop? Or will I have to keep doing it forever?
Yes, I think if you are consistent......she will start backing off. I don't think it will be overnight, or stop all at once. It is a pattern of behavior she uses with you, so you have to train her that she can't act that way with you. She'll slack off, but this will be her brand of testing you to see if you are staying strong enough to tell her, "Don't even go there with me".
Once you've establishedtrust boundary and you call her out whenever she starts displaying this behavior, you won't have to say much in order for her to know she can't play that game with you. Learning short phrases like I just gave, will be useful, and shouldn't be difficult.
"Don't even try to start that old stuff, b/c it won't work". "Back off"! "Don't start, b/c I'm not going to join your game". "Try another approach, b/c this one is not going to fly". "You need to back up and try again, b/c this doesn't work for me". "Don't start".
Eventually, you should be able to just give her "the look" that tells her you won't tolerate it. That is how parents do with their kids. They have to train them how to behave properly, especially at certain times & places. If they have done a decent job of training, and one of the kids forget (or test) the parent b/c they are at the grocery store or at someone's house........all mom has to do is snap her fingers and point at the kid, and he knows he'd better straighten up right that minute! I had a hyper kid, and as they say, he was all boy. However, by the time he was in school, all I had to do was give him "the look", and he immediately knew what to do. WW's can act like undisciplined children. So in the beginning of training her what is not acceptable and what you won't tolerate, you may wonder if she'll ever stop testing you. Not letting her get by a few times before calling her out is key. I can't stress that enough. Short, simple, firm, and consistency is the formula.
Quote:
I need to print these on an index card.
.
Quote:
If my MR somehow gets out of this ditch, you will seriously personally be a huge reason why
Well, I take it seriously. I like to kid around, and at times, I can have a sarcastic sense of humor when I'm posting.......that may not be received in the way I intended, IDK. However, the advice is a serious sense of responsibility. Thanks for your encouragement. I appreciate it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
