Advice on my scenario pt. 2

[sandi2]

I'm going to respond to your questions from the usual or typical WW. However, I don't think your W is all that typical.

1.) WW Would get very mad when I would refer to OM as "her boyfriend"

Well how did you expect her to react? Were you trying to make her feel shame, embarrassment, hurt, or what? What context did you use it? Without knowing any details, I would guess it appeared very passive-aggressive. You used it to provoke some type of emotion in your W, didn't you? So, don't act so surprised she got mad.

2.) before i learned DB techniques, I had been included some photo's from our wedding in a letter i gave her at our last MC meeting. She also got very mad about this.

Again, you were trying to get a certain response from her. One of the 37 rules refers to things like showing old M photos, or try to get the spouse to read books on M help or watch a video, etc. It is pursuit, and it is a huge turn-off to the WW. It makes the H look needy. You have to see the WW as if there has never been a relationship between you, and she is someone you've just met. Would you have been applying that kind of emotional pressure to some woman you've just met? No, b/c she would run for the hills.

3.) she changed a while back from calling me normal pet names to using my first name, which i mentioned bothered me and she continued to do it. She NEVER referred to me this way in the past.

It's the WW's way of emotionally distancing the H from her. Her loving feelings are gone. Would a woman use pet names if she was not in an romantic, intimate relationship? It is also so the H will not make more of it than she means. Like some H's will say, "If she had no feelings for me, why would she call me by pet names?". The H will strain at every nat that flies his way. I mean, I wouldn't even smile, b/c I didn't want my H thinking, "Yipee! Things are back on again"! I just wanted him to leave me alone, so I kept things very cool (and I don't mean Fonzie cool).

4.) Why continue to deny / lie about OM in Jan when she knew i was fully aware of the situation? I literally caught her at OM's house on her day off, like red handed. to deny/lie at that point defies logic IMHO, Why do it?

That's a question for a psychologist. IMHO, it's not b/c she is in self denial about having an affair. She may be in denial as to the truth surrounding the circumstances that led to the affair and where it is going. That's due to her fantasy. She has her reason for denying in the face of hard evidence.....even getting caught red handed. I can guarantee you that in her thinking....denying it is what she sees as her best option at that time. The WW will always put her best benefit above everything else, due to the selfishness that drives her. By the time she is having an A, her mindset is in such a crazy state, that there's nothing about her that is logical.

Looking back now after learning a lot about the mindset of a WW, would you say these are examples of her projecting her guilt on me when i presented her with confrontation of things she had knowingly done wrong, and had compartmentalized and put away so she didnt have to deal/feel them? Did i bring these to the surface and "offend" her by reminding her of what she did wrong, even though my intention was to garner some sort of sympathy (again, i had no clue how counter productive this was at the time)

Maybe, IDK. I believe there is a difference in knowing you are guilty and feeling guilty. In the WW mindset, she feels justified b/c of all the disrespect, resentment, and rebellious feelings she has toward her H, and/or the M. So, how can you feel guilty when you believe you are justified? It gets complicated when trying to give an answer to this question. A lot of WW's have a need to justify leaving the M to her parents, grown children, old friends......(people who know the H. Except, she usually doesn't try to convince her MIL & FIL). So, she demonizes her H, to her parents, etc., to persuad them she is justified in leaving. Now get this.........she believes it's his fault that she had an A. It comes from deep resentment and bitterness. Way down deep in her heart, she knows she is responsible for her own actions.....but she doesn't want to claim responsibility. That's the part I see as self denial. Her entire fantasy is self denial of the truth. She wants to do what she wants.....and come out smelling like a rose. Is she projecting guilt on you? I don't know. I was a WW, but I don't how to answer a lot of questions H's have. How can she blame you and project guilt at the same time? IDK, I'm not a psychologist. It's too deep and complicated.

IMHO, the way you and your W got together is not typical of the average couple. I mean you engaged in sex within the first 2-3 hours of the first date, and you M her without really knowing who you were getting. You have been together a considerably short period of time. So, how much disrespect and resentment she has built, IDK. It's not like being M for decades and then she rebels. Rebellion is a big part of the wayward behavior. If you have any idea what she is rebelling against, it might give you a clue, IDK.

I'm guessing there is something about her that has been kept hidden from you all this time. Although she had not had a pegnacy or give birth (that you know, anyway), there are too many things about her past she refuses to reveal to her own H. The way she had picked you out, saying she was in love with you.....before really meeting you. There is something that just has a wrong feeling about the entire situation. I know you love her and my words may be offensive, but I am speaking from my heart and for concern for you and your child. Whatever it is in her past, her parents won't reveal it, either. So, I feel this is more than just the typical WW case. I'm not saying she's not wayward. I'm saying I think she hiding a big secret, and her parents knows what it is and that's why they are covering for her. I think some of her behavior issues are a pattern.

Going into a M with secrets and refusing to be open and honest with her H, is destruction waiting to happen. If there is a chance of this M surviving, I think it will have to come through her willingness to reveal everything and to get serious therapy.

((hugs))