Wild ride and now trapped in the Bermuda Triangle

[dmoy]

Yeah that's part of the challenge is now that you have some tools you hardly ever get to use them. That will probably change over time though.

Found a marriage app called Lasting and it's had some useful sessions, even if I do them by myself. There are daily reminders about talking to your partner and how to listen. I applied one the other week when she said something and I asked her for more info so I could try and put myself in her shoes.

Whenever she offers info like this then do not argue with her about ANY of it no matter how outlandish you think it is. Just thank her for sharing her thoughts and tell her you will use this info to work on becoming a better person.

Yup. What I've been trying to do. Not 100% perfect, but getting there.

Yeah a lot of people read the book and misunderstand, they think that if they throw every trick at their W including the kitchen sink then surely SOMETHING will bring them back and end this quickly. But that's not how it works. REAL CHANGE + TIME = CHANGES SHE CAN BELIEVE IN. Nothing in DB'ing happens quickly. If you think you're seeing a turnaround it's usually a misinterpretation of a softening of her position. If you pull back and remove all pressure then she will relax, communicate more, maybe temperature check. That doesn't mean anything has changed, it just means you're going the right direction. Like Michele says, this is all about baby steps. There are rarely any big moves.

Well it was weird. We've had positive stuff on and off. After the last argument in March where I subsequently apologized for not managing my feelings better and then had a heart to heart with her the next day, she immediately changed her own behavior and it had been positive and getting much better for 5 weeks. I obviously jumped the gun, but what was I supposed to think? Patience. Getting there.

And that's fine, but the two of you have to agree on what that means. She clearly does not want you hanging out at her place and doesn't consider that part of co-parenting, so you need to honor that request. By the way, it is completely within your rights to make the same request of her when she drops the kids off to you (if she's not doing it already).

Honestly in reading her text the other night the issue wasn't that I came in and hung out, but that she felt it was because it kept the kids up late. She's generally never had issues with me staying on say a Saturday afternoon when I bring them back. Instead of listening and agreeing I tried to make my feelings trample hers.