Validation is the biggest and hardest part. I did that a few times in the past week in general discussions. It's hard because she chooses not to talk which means there's no "foot in the door" so to speak as far as opportunities to actually validate and show improved behavior.
Yeah that's part of the challenge is now that you have some tools you hardly ever get to use them. That will probably change over time though.
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[*]I lied about how much I was drinking. [*]She wanted to talk about what happened (the affair), I didn't. [*]I continued to call all the shots and didn't recognize her feelings. [*]I hit (spanked; she portrays as abused) the kids, and yelled at them when frustrated.
Whenever she offers info like this then do not argue with her about ANY of it no matter how outlandish you think it is. Just thank her for sharing her thoughts and tell her you will use this info to work on becoming a better person.
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I thought that was the whole point. Experiment, test the results. If they don't go the right way, reverse course and try harder. Hindsight is 20/20 and you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. It probably was lack of pressure and I tried to jumpstart things.
Yeah a lot of people read the book and misunderstand, they think that if they throw every trick at their W including the kitchen sink then surely SOMETHING will bring them back and end this quickly. But that's not how it works. REAL CHANGE + TIME = CHANGES SHE CAN BELIEVE IN. Nothing in DB'ing happens quickly. If you think you're seeing a turnaround it's usually a misinterpretation of a softening of her position. If you pull back and remove all pressure then she will relax, communicate more, maybe temperature check. That doesn't mean anything has changed, it just means you're going the right direction. Like Michele says, this is all about baby steps. There are rarely any big moves.
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This gets difficult because she wants to co-parent which means spending time together as a family.
And that's fine, but the two of you have to agree on what that means. She clearly does not want you hanging out at her place and doesn't consider that part of co-parenting, so you need to honor that request. By the way, it is completely within your rights to make the same request of her when she drops the kids off to you (if she's not doing it already).
