Oo boy, Sandi. I'm glad I'm a guy that's not afraid of a challenge. I can't even imagine having a conversation like that with my W, but I am going to try! Thank you for including such specific examples, it really helps.
The fact that you can't imagine having a conversation like that with your cheating W, is b/c you have lived in fear of displeasing her. When a man tries too hard to appease his W, there is no male dominance in the relationship.........and she sees him as being less of man. Women are naturally attracted to a man's masculinity and his male confidence. That is the sexiest trait he can have. Part of those traits is him always being the one who leads the MR.. In other words, he is the one in charge, and she knows she had better not play him for a fool......or be she can be prepared to kiss him goodbye. He doesn't mess around with those type of women......especially one that is married to him! He commands respect wherever he goes and interacts with others. He expects respect from his W, and if she gets a potty mouth toward him or tries to act horsey or b'tchy with him.........he knows how to deal with her RIGHT THEN And THERE! He doesn't tolerate her passive-agressiveness. And let me make a point in telling you that he doesn't tell himself he'll take the high road, or he will be the better person. No! This is what a weak, conditioned, hen-pecked H tells himself. He makes up excuses in order to live with his wayward W. It just kills me to read threads where nice-guys let their WW roughshod over them, and then say they decided to be the bigger person! Really? By not standing up for yourself, or letting her manipulate you like a puppet? I think in many cases, it's when she acts like a b'tch and he just lets it go. Bad mistake.
In today's society, the modern career woman is encouraged to be aggressive and be proud of her b'tchiness.. It's one thing to have that persona at work, but when it's carried home and used with her H.........it's inappropriate and unacceptable. I don't mean she shouldn't stand up for herself. I'm not suggesting she cows down to an over-bearing man. Stay balanced with what I'm trying to say. When a woman runs roughshod over her H, it robs her of femininity. If the H hunkers down to this type of treatment, and he starts doing whatever he thinks will put her in a softer mood where he can bear to live with her..........he has just created his own hell. They will have a M where she demeans him, and he is a "yes, dear" type of H........which is so unattractive.
You may be asking what a man has to do when his WW is acting like a bratt (or much worse). Call her out about it, right then & there. But now listen carefully b/c you are a talker. Being a fellow talker myself, I know how easy it is too say too many words. I tend to be a lecturer. It doesn't work well with spouses or kids! Call her hand on it as soon as she starts that old cr@p, and don't let it go for a few days and then sit her down for one of your long talks. It will be powerless. Instead, call her hand on her behavior when it starts, keep it short & simple, and use as few words as possible. If you say less, she'll hear more.
Anyway, in your particular sitch, I think you can overcome your fear of making your W angry, or worrying about what she'll think about your actions, by starting out as I suggested in my previous post. Your W is trying to turn you into a handmaiden, and you are succumbing to it. I think there is time for you to turn things around and out this relationship on the right track. Being afraid and doing it anyway.......is bravery. I think you have the "right stuff". You just need a little help in getting started. Not that I am some kind of authority, but I am a former WW married to a man who had NGS (he has changed a lot), and I have a strong sense of the mindset of your WW. Once she sees she can not order you around, play her manipulative tricks, etc., she is going to start seeing you with new eyes. I think she'll fall in love with the man you are going to become.
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One question--what do I do if W starts trying to join my GAL? She made a comment today that implied she might try to join my workout group, which I ignored, but also kind of freaked me out. And she thought I was suffocating
You; "Humm, no, I don't think so". WW: "Why not"? You: "I need my hour". "I'm sure you understand". (and then wink at her, as you walk away). WW: "Oh, I understand plenty"! "You are punishing me for wanting a few minutes to relax when I first come home". You: "Look, no offense, but I just need to get out and do a few things on my on". WW: (angry and sulking). "Fine! I certainly don't want to tag along when I'm not wanted". "I would think you would want your W to join you! "Yada, yada, yada" You: "Okey-dokey, then". (No more conversing about it after this point. Start doing something else, while you are whistling. That may help to shut her up. Remember, you don't worry about her response or what she thinks. In fact, just assume she will react badly. She'll get over it).
Learn a few key phrases, like......
"Is this the part where we act like a M couple"? "Is this the part where we act like a separated couple"? "You are very unattractive when you (fill in the blank)". "No". "Cut the passive-aggressive cr@p". "It is unattractive". "You can stop the manipulation any time now, b/c it's not going to work". "You can stop trying to play me". "Put your big girl panties on". "I'm not going to do your chores". "If you don't know what you want to eat, how do expect anyone else to know"? "If you want something to eat, you can watch to see how I fix my plate, then follow suite". "You are not at your day job now, so you can stop playing drill Sargent".
A few of the above can be said as if you are amused, but very wise to her actions.....and you have no intentions of tolerating it. It depends on the situation. Don't repeat the same things too many times. This is just to give you a snap shot of how to get started in standing up to her bad behavior and how she tries to control you.
I don't know if you like to whistle a tune, or hum a song.......but I suggest you start doing this when you come in from in from GAL. You can also do it when you feel some tension in the atmosphere. You know, like when she is sulking, moaning and groaning about not able to do chores, etc. Just start whistling. You'd be surprised how that works in shutting down some of that yada-yada cr@p.
Good job of not giving in and doing her chores for her. That's a great 180!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
