No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

Journaling (it's gonna be a long one): So it's been a couple days and I'm feeling more stable. W and I have talked the last two nights, and we've been very honest with each other. We have both grown so much over the past few months. Her through IC and really working on herself. Me through GAL and finding the old, confident me.

Her self esteem is higher than I've seen it since she dropped out of grad school. She said she has never felt good enough for me. It was nothing that I did to make her feel this way. It was her own insecurities. She has started working out and taking much better care of herself. I am very proud of her for this, and have told her so. I have always encouraged her and tried to lift her up, but she has always had a negative view of herself. I know now that this has nothing to do with me, and it's from issues that were there before we started dating. I see her self image changing for the better slowly each day. She's become a better mom to our kids as well, and she has stepped up around the house. We've talked about our past, and are both saddened by what has happened. We both brought up "what ifs" that we think could have saved us, but agreed that didn't matter and we shouldn't dwell on the past. We love each other deeply, she just doesn't love me like a wife should love her husband. She loves me like a brother, and she says that's what she needs right now. I listened and validated as much as I could.

I don't think her feelings for me have a chance to change if we stay together. She puts a lot of internal pressure on herself, and she will feel pursuit from me no matter what I do. So I've decided to go ahead with the divorce. We will do everything we can to give our kids what they need, and I think we will both find ourselves again. We are going to go through the mediation process, and hope to split everything amicably. The only thing I can see causing any animosity is the house. We can both afford it, and we both want it.

I found myself laughing about this yesterday, and I realized I'm going to be okay. I was looking at our calendar, and saw we have our mediation appointment next Friday at 2, and then she has IC a few hours later. I was laughing because the two offices are very close to each other, and close to one of our favorite places we used to eat together when we actually went on dates. I was thinking about asking her to get an early dinner between the appointments and how it would be so ridiculous, but something we would totally do. I told her about this last night, and she started laughing, got teary eyed and said something about that being something we would do. She brought it up again later and said that's something she would really like to do. I told her we'd see how we feel after mediation, and she agreed that was a good idea.

I am slowly feeling better about letting my wife go. I went out last night with some friends and met some new people. My cousin was there with her fiance and two of the women that will be in the wedding. A good portion of the evening was spent talking about the wedding, and I felt no pain or sadness. I had a great time, and didn't think about my W once. I was asked to join a golf tournament as part of my work's team. They know I've never golfed before, but I agreed to do it. I'm going to practice this weekend, so we'll see just how bad I am! I never would have done these things 6 months ago. I was too focused on my family to give myself the chance to live. I'm living my life for myself again, and I haven't done that since I was 16. I want to make it the best journey that I can.

Last night, W said she was very surprised by my reaction to all of this. She expected alternating bouts of rage and begging/pleading. I told her that shows just how far her perception of me is (and has been) from reality. I told her I was ashamed of my reaction to BD and my uncovering her EA. That if there was one thing I would change over the last 4 months I would have kicked her out of the house after finding out about OM. I told her that I would never beg anybody for anything ever again (the tone of my voice and look in my eyes were very convincing). I have also not shown her any rage. She knows I have a temper. I have since childhood. Being raised by an angry alcoholic father will do that to you. I control it very, very well, but she expected this to bring it out. If anything would break my control, this should be it, but I've become a very strong person and she commented on that. I think she's starting to see past the image of me she had built in her head. Probably from IC, the release of pursuit, and my own personal growth. I don't think this will change her feelings for me at the moment, but it's nice to break some of the negative images she has of me.

All that said, I just have a gut feeling that my W and I aren't done with each other. We really do match up damn well. We are both convinced that circumstances and long buried issues from before our marriage caused it to fail. It may be that we file for D and stop it at the last minute. It may be 5 or 10 years from now. It may be that we both find other people and end up happier as friends. I don't know, and I'm not planning for anything. I just feel like there is something there that isn't finished, but I won't be the one pursuing if it happens. She'll have to convince me that it's what she wants, and she's not just settling for me because she realized she couldn't find better (she won't, because I am freakin' awesome).

My plan for the future is to be friendly with her, but not over do it until I am ready. It may take awhile before I can actually be her friend, but I really do want that. Time apart and getting my own life together will help. We will be in each others lives forever thanks to our kids, and at this point I think being friends is the best thing that we can give them. If they aren't going to see us work through our problems to stay married, they can at least see us as a united parental unit that cares for them and treats each other with love and respect. Eventually, I hope to be strong enough to have the four of us sit down and have dinner as a family on a regular basis with no feelings of regret or lingering sadness.

I know some of this goes against typical DB practices, but I'm not doing this for her. My goal isn't to get her back. My goal is to do what I feel is best for my family (me, my kids, and her, in that order). Regardless of what is happening, I still consider her my family. If there were no kids, I'd go dark, but that's not possible. I want my kids to see us in the best possible light. I'll be okay. No, I'll be great.

This may seem like a drastic shift form Monday, but this is where I've been headed. I've known this was going to be the result since we first met with her therapist when we attempted MC. Monday just hit me like a ton of bricks. We're allowed to feel emotions, and experience the ups and downs. This is what makes life worth living. The good would get boring without the bad. My old W never would have had the strength to actually contact a lawyer and start the divorce process. She's stronger now, and I can honestly say I'm proud of her. The woman she is becoming is a woman I could see spending my life with, but that's not for me to decide. Perhaps some day in the future, but for now I've got me. And I'm damn good company.