Wild ride and now trapped in the Bermuda Triangle

[dmoy]

Steve,

Validation is the biggest and hardest part. I did that a few times in the past week in general discussions. It's hard because she chooses not to talk which means there's no "foot in the door" so to speak as far as opportunities to actually validate and show improved behavior.

A lot of times I'm slow to think about it, but then I later realize "yes, I know how you feel." Getting better/faster at making those connections so I can better connect with her is key.

The one good thing that came of the discussion Monday was that she practically gave me the playbook for what I did wrong.

• I lied about how much I was drinking.
• She wanted to talk about what happened (the affair), I didn't.
• I continued to call all the shots and didn't recognize her feelings.
• I hit (spanked; she portrays as abused) the kids, and yelled at them when frustrated.

The first I have no response for aside from validation. We're both at fault here. I wrongfully assumed she knew that I was having 2 drinks one night when I went to the kitchen and came back with a refilled cup, but I wasn't explicit about saying I had a second drink so I was accused of lying. Continually trying to be open and honest about things, and be accountable to do something when I say I'm going to do it.

The second I recognized later after I read Healing from Infidelity and had since called out and apologized for. Nothing really I can do there at this point until she brings it up.

The third has been an ongoing process the past few months as I've tried to listen and validate things (like D6's medical care/concerns) and finding opportunities where we can work together on things (like involving her in doing the taxes 2 weeks ago).

The last is a non-issue for the most part. Sometimes still get angry/frustrated with the kids but it's a rare occurrence. She likes to wave this one as the reason she had to leave and can't come back, but if there was any validity to it now I wouldn't have custody of my kids to the extent I do. Clearly it's still a big issue in her mind though, at least when digging for negative emotions. I've been great around the kids, especially when she's around. Always room to improve though.