Preface: i know this is still an example of WW "occupying my head space". As ive said before i feel this need to understand what HAPPENED as best I can so I know how best to act / react in the future. Please bear with me.
Question: I remembered some occurrences from back before the TRO.
1.) WW Would get very mad when I would refer to OM as "her boyfriend"
2.) before i learned DB techniques, I had been included some photo's from our wedding in a letter i gave her at our last MC meeting. She also got very mad about this.
3.) she changed a while back from calling me normal pet names to using my first name, which i mentioned bothered me and she continued to do it. She NEVER referred to me this way in the past.
4.) Why continue to deny / lie about OM in Jan when she knew i was fully aware of the situation? I literally caught her at OM's house on her day off, like red handed. to deny/lie at that point defies logic IMHO, Why do it?
Looking back now after learning a lot about the mindset of a WW, would you say these are examples of her projecting her guilt on me when i presented her with confrontation of things she had knowingly done wrong, and had compartmentalized and put away so she didnt have to deal/feel them? Did i bring these to the surface and "offend" her by reminding her of what she did wrong, even though my intention was to garner some sort of sympathy (again, i had no clue how counter productive this was at the time)
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
The reason for 4 is her own guilt. Admitting to being a cheating -I'll leave the next word out LOL- is too hard for people, even in the midst of their cheating. So they deny, avoid the truth, lie, all in the name of trying to feel good about themselves. Really not surprising. Anyone that would break the most sacred covenant that a human-being can take on this earth would be willing to lie through their teeth about it even in the face of evidence.
Sorry if this is too strongly worded about the woman that you still love, but truth is truth.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am not Sandi but I can tell you that number 2 is 100% pursuing so that is why it made her mad......#3 is her way of disrespecting you and showing you that she is currently done with your MR.
#1 I can only assume it has to do with some denial on her part, maybe some guilt and maybe some pursuing on your part....
As ACC would say you have to walk in the completely opposite direction. It took my EW about 9 months before she loosened up and starting joking around with me. It will take a long time before she unwinds herself but will only happen when you have removed all of the pressure.
Think of her like a Hurricane spinning out of control
I will add that even though my EW jokes around with me and initiates contact most of the time there is still a line that I don't cross and that line is bringing up our sitch. Even when we walked into the court room and our D was finalized I never brought it up, asked if she was sure this is what she wanted, etc. She is a grown adult, she started this mess and she is the one that is going to end it...not me.
When i filed in Jan i DIDNT WANT TO and felt coerced into it by WW and my family. I put it on hold the day after filing.
Once i took hold off (again, still very unsure of the descision) and we proceeded to First Appearance and Child Impact Seminar, those 2 events made me truly decide I did not want the Divorce.
The last time we spoke at the last MC meeting she said "i was never sure if i wanted a divorce, as its such a big decsison but now i know, I WANT A DIVORCE"
i replied "Well if you are the one that wants one, and you are the one who left and is having an affair, YOU can file and YOU can get the divorce"
Of course i ended up being the one to file, but unless the judge denies my motion to place on hold, It will stay on hold until she makes an effort to actually get the divorce she "wanted" and i DONT WANT.
take responsibility for your own decisions and desire.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Only you know when you are ready to file....my W came to me about 9 months after our separation started and indicated she was ready to move forward with the D. I first told myself I would stand for 6 months and then re-evaluate. After 6 months I felt that I could make it a year so I continued. I never got to the one year mark so I don't know what would have happened.
If you choose to stand and essentially be in LIMBO you really have to let her go and move on with your life. If you don't and continue to hang on her every word, her every action and follow her on SM it will be very rough for you and you will delay the healing process.
