Advice on my scenario pt. 2

[OrangeK]

Steve,

Good advice, my plan on going out is mostly to spend time with friends, and getting back in the mindset of being able to talk to the fairer sex.
I have no intentions on going out searching for anything.
When the time is right things will fall in to place in that regard. Im not rushing or pushing any advancements in that regard. I have much more to worry about with myself and my son before i worry about getting some action lol.

[Maika]

I will second Steve in terms of the nightlife. But AS had commented this on my sitch a buncha times and it's very true - nothing wrong in a bit of flirtation and chatting up with women. It will boost your confidence and self-esteem.

So, enjoy the nightlife. Enjoy some flirtation and attention. But, I am not of the camp that says you should immediately go out there and sleep with as many people as you want. You're in no place to offer anybody anything and you have a lot to work on right now about yourself. Don't add another layer of complication.

[sandi2]

Just to clarify, I hope you won't see my questions as telling you to give up or that the M can't be saved. I was mostly trying to get you to express your thoughts and feelings to those questions. Since your hands are tied, that's about all I know to do is get you to talk it out.

I encourage you to get plenty of physical exercise. Other LBS's swear that it helps them cope better with the emotional ups & downs. Also, they say GAL is a lifesaver.

You said that driving back & forth to work is a difficult time to keep your thoughts off the sitch. Have you considered listening to motivational recordings while driving? Your local library probably has some, if you don't want to purchase any. YouTube has a ton of motivational speakers on all types of subjects.

Something else you might consider is to volunteer help to someone. I'm not talking about an organization (although it's fine), but make a point to observe people around you and if you can see some little way to help them. It may be some elderly person in your neighborhood. It might be a shut-in, or someone at work. Keeping an eye open to see if someone needs a helping hand, might keep your mind off your own sitch to some degree.

[SteveLW]

OK, remember Sandi's rule #36: It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

[OrangeK]

Sandi,

Just to clarify, I hope you won't see my questions as telling you to give up or that the M can't be saved. I was mostly trying to get you to express your thoughts and feelings to those questions. Since your hands are tied, that's about all I know to do is get you to talk it out.

I appreciate the clarification, I didn't think you were trying to get me to give up hope. I just know that at least somewhat getting to that mindset seems to be key in DB'ing. I Love my wife, despite what many others tell me i should feel (NOT here, but IRL, and I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it from people who don't get what I'm going through, which is why this forum is so important to me)
I will always hold hope that we can maybe someday fix this. Talking it out is so important to me. I think my situation is somewhat unique, where other DB'ers can actively work and guage their progress or lack thereof through interactions with WW, i cannot, so talking my emotions out here is so important. I was left with no closure, no info, and no truth. Then was FORCED to go full NC, with no possibility of doing it any other way.
This mired me in the desperation stage of things far longer than i think i would have otherwise spent in that stage thereby taking away my ability to DB at all, with the exception of GAL'ing, which is all i should be focused on right now anyway. The time will come for my DB to either breed results IRL with my WW, or they wont, and i will have already GAL'ed my way to a much happier place without her, so ill be ready if this is truly the end.

I encourage you to get plenty of physical exercise. Other LBS's swear that it helps them cope better with the emotional ups & downs. Also, they say GAL is a lifesaver.

It is a lifesaver, and has been very good for my self esteem too. Going at GAL 1000%.
I will strive to be the best Dad, Man, Firefighter, Climber, Swordsman, Blacksmith, Scholar and Lover I can be.
Plus my roommate has convinced me to overcome my fear of motorcycles.
This year I RIDE.

You said that driving back & forth to work is a difficult time to keep your thoughts off the sitch. Have you considered listening to motivational recordings while driving? Your local library probably has some, if you don't want to purchase any. YouTube has a ton of motivational speakers on all types of subjects.

Great Minds think alike Sandi, i have been listening to a lot of motivational stuff on my commute this weeks and last, and when im not i do Audiobooks.
Im a big nerd and any method to step out of my life and into a fantasy world does me wonders.
Its why playing D&D has been a HUGE help in disconnecting and GAL'ing.


Something else you might consider is to volunteer help to someone. I'm not talking about an organization (although it's fine), but make a point to observe people around you and if you can see some little way to help them. It may be some elderly person in your neighborhood. It might be a shut-in, or someone at work. Keeping an eye open to see if someone needs a helping hand, might keep your mind off your own sitch to some degree.

Again, we are on the same track!!
I am a firefighter / EMT and I have been neglecting that aspect of my life since the separation in Oct. This is another aspect of GAL i have resolved to really buckle down on. I always got such a sense of pride and fulfillment from volunteering with my local Fire Dept.
Its part of what helps me know my value. I am respected and appreciated in my community because of this.
Time to saddle back up on the big red truck!! WEEE-WOOO!

I have great faith in the man I aim to be in a years time.
I know his value, and i know his value and changes made will be evident and obvious to all, including WW.
If she doesnt see those changes or chooses to ignore them, her loss, which she would maybe realize after D or if I was with another woman.
But im doing me. I dont need to try and make her jelous or shock her system. If she doesnt 180, she aint worth my time.
I am valuable and worth loving, right now, she isn't, and I'm not going to bend over backwards for her anymore. Not till / if she earns it.

I had an epiphany last night, and as humble as he may be about it Makia really helped with that, as did my room mate (Shout out to Tim the Warrior! till Valhalla Brother!)
i have wasted SO MUCH time and mental energy being sad/angry/depressed because i dont know what shes doing or thinking, or what the deal with OM is, even the petty questions, "what did I do wrong" "is he better than me? Kinder? better in bed? wealthier?"
"How could she do this, when she JUST professed to love me for life 6 months prior"
It has finally sunken in.
NONE OF THIS MATTERS.
It wont change her mind, or sway her actions, and for the first time EVER. I legitimately DO NOT WANT to sway her actions / thoughts.
IF they change, i want them to change because she saw a need for them to.
She is the only one that can change her own mind or opinions, and i have finally realized its a total waste of my time and energy to let her occupy all of my head space.

I will keep you all updated as our court date is 1 week, 2 days away. May be the end of the "criminal" case. (such BS)
Once the RO is gone, i imagine i will be reporting on the same type of temp checking and other WW bologna that i often see here.
She is however the mother of my child, i will always be there in that capacity, im not going to cold shoulder her when we speak. I will be cordial, professional and firm in my boundaries but approachable and reliable.

I SHALL BE THE ROCK IN THE TIDE.

[OrangeK]

Steve,

I've never been a bar guy, im more likely to end up in some coffee house with live music.
I get drunk on intellectual conversation and artistic expression!

I may have a beer or two, but for flavor not inebriation.
I've always been a lightweight and hate hangovers with the passion of 1000 suns. Cant hike well if you sleep till 10am!

[OrangeK]

Update:
So i politely asked about my brothers jacket that OM had posted a photo of my son wearing, that i wanted back as it is sentimental.

I mentioned wanting the jacket back to my mother in law, she said that it got packed away and should be in with my sons old clothes. I had already checked and it isnt, plus the photo OM Posted with my son clearly wearing it.
I did not bring this part up as she doesn't know I have seen anything posted from OM's page on IG and didn't want to seem like i was keeping an eye on WW/OM or anything.

The blatant lie is really getting under my skin, and for some reason also causing me to miss WW a lot today. Why, I have no idea.

days like this when i feel very much at the mercy of WW (everything seems to go her way....) and the courts.

Anxiety for looming court date is mounting, a week from tomorrow.
I'm far more nervous about being in the same room with WW for the first time in 3 months than I am any BS legal ramifications.

Plus the weather is garbage today and my game night got cancelled.

Hope tomorrow is better

"They can't all be zingers" - Les Clyapool

[OrangeK]

If she is remorseful, then I believe you will see a humility in her spirit. She will be sad and probably depressed. She may lead by saying things like, "You probably hate me", or "You'll never be able to forgive me". Even for an outgoing personality type, it was difficult for me to swallow my pride and humbly ask my H for his forgiveness. I didn't do it right away, but I never left the home either.

Sandi,

I just re-read this, and a while back at the 2nd MC Meeting (the one where the "incident" occurred resulting in the RO)
She said "I know you think i'm scum"
and i told her i didn't think that and that she was putting words in my mouth.
I now recognize this as projection.

How long was it before you asked you husband for forgiveness, and how long were you thinking about asking him before you did?

I also learned recently she has been under the impression this entire time She could get into trouble for violating the RO too, unless this is just a lie. She never got a copy of it and thought it worked both ways, when it definitely doesn't. Only effects me
(MIL asked about it last time i swapped my son with her)

[OrangeK]

Ok. today [censored]. I know i shouldn't have looked.

On Facebook - "On this day: Memories"

3 years ago today - WW: "I cant wait to Be Mrs.(mylastname) it looks so weird to write my name like that, cant wait for my love to get home so i can make him dinner while the baby plays in his swing after a long day of fire training for him!! <3<3"

I didnt "like" it or comment on it. But F**K did that sting. my heart is somewhere near my ankles right now.

stay focused, stay focused, stay focused.


P.S.
I cant get the "did she see that today too? did it hurt her to see it?" out of my head....

[SteveLW]

Yeah. I'd stay off of FB. There are enough ups and downs without doing this kind of thing to yourself.