Hoping this can be saved, but having doubts 3

[Maika]

Yes, we all question and analyze everything with a microscope in the beginning. It's natural and normal. I am glad to see that you're recognizing it and aiming to move away from that.

She's not waiting for anything. If she wants to bring it up, she will bring it up. You hang back and do you thing.

[TBSakaJ9]

You did the right thing....if you would have brought up your R she would have reminded you about how miserable it and you are.

You are right nothing has changed. I am sorry but it won't for a while. I would highly recommend you follow what Sandi has laid out in the rules. You need to be more focused on healing yourself than your W coming back home. Many LBSers think the rules are designed to get your W to return but in reality most people forget that they are designed to help you heal as well.

I would highly recommend no more 1 on 1 time with your W until OM is gone and she wants to recommit herself to the MR. I have not spent any alone time with my W in over a year. We have had very small, segmented time together as family 15 to 30 mins here and there for the children.

My W stood at our kitchen sink before she moved and told me she didn't want to hurt me........it didn't stop her, we are now Divorced.

Hopefully you have gained a little more clarity.

[LH19]

You are getting great advice from two experts who have done the work and have the world by balls.

So can you once you learn how fuching awesome you are. Until then you will suffer.

[Maika]

I second J9 about 1 on 1 time with W - there's gotta be none of that. Buckle up, follow Sandi's rules and see what works, and focus inwards on yourself.

Also, read LH19's signature. That is my overall goal in life.

[reframe]

You guys give excellent advice.

So yesterday I meet her to sign an update to our prenumpt. She seemed exhausted and was very down and stressed. I validated, but didn't inquire more.

She as also clearly fishing to know what my plans afterward where (I deflected with an entertaining story, but didn't answer).

I'm pretty pleased with how I handled it.

Maika's advice is also spot on. I know that she is still trying to work things out with OM, so she clearly isn't ready to meet me terms to even discuss recon.

She may be having doubts, but I'm apparently plan B in her mind - or she wants to make sure I can be.

Today she conveniently tagged me in a 3 year old memory (on Facebook) of one of our foster dogs. She clearly wants to keep the hooks in, but not actually change anything right now.

[Maika]

Sounds like you did good. I am happy to hear that you were able to get through the 'business' related stuff and keep the personal and private stuff out of it or at least have it deflected.

All the other stuff sounds like temp checks. Don't get sucked in and keep doing your thing. I'd unfollow her on social media. I don't follow my W on any social media - it's good for my emotional and mental sanity, and also shows that I have no desire for pursuit. It will keep you sane.

Just follow Sandi's rules and then see how things work and adjust as needed and continue.

[reframe]

Yeah, I've unfollowed her. She's still finding a lot of random reasons to contact me though, often multiple times a day.

Given that she's still trying to work things out with OM - I think it's just temp checks. She outright asked me if I was dating a female climbing partner though, and she's asked probing questions about other women.

I don't think she wants me now - but she clearly wants to know that the option is still there.

[Maika]

Back in the day, my W thought I was dating other people and sleeping around - which I wasn't. I didn't respond well to it and basically caved into her temp check, which I regretted later.

I wish I had just said that I was moving on with my life and doing things that mattered to me - which she would've interpreted that I was F#$@king around town anyway. I wish I had cared less at that point and just been more firm.

But by going NC/dark, I just removed myself as an option for her. But, what audacity of them to ask if you're dating or messing around, it's bananas.

[TBSakaJ9]

I wish I had just said that I was moving on with my life and doing things that mattered to me

Didn't you guys go to a festival together, came back home drank some wine and engaged in some adult activities

I think we all wish we were stronger from day 1. I know I do.

[reframe]

Yeah. She's a bit of a mess.
From stories like yours it sounds like this is more common than not though.

I mean she seriously told me about OM and asked if we could still climb together in nearly the same sentence.

And she's mentioned a few times that she thought we'd still be hiking, climbing etc..
She apparently thought she could move out of a 11 year R, immediately start sleeping with another man, jump into a relationship there, and still cherry pick the parts of our R that she wanted.

I don't know if she thought I was so desperate that I'd take any crumbs she threw, or if she seriously just doesn't grasp the seriousness of what she has done.