While I have a little bit of time before I have to call it a night, I would like to add information to my current situation. Before I get to that I would like to say, I have looked into the Nice Guy Syndrome, I don't believe I am full blown, but maybe to an extent and I will try to be more aware of it in the future.
I said that I was an alcoholic. I want to clarify. If I am in the same room as beer, I will drink it. Maybe not right away, but I will, or at least that is how I have been for the last decade. I drank everyday. between 18-48 beers a day. That is no lie. and not an exaggeration. My longest spans of sobriety in the last decade were less than 4 weeks at a time, and that was when I was on the ship and had no access. But as soon as we hit port, I lit it up. Being in my 21st week of sobriety, I honestly never thought that I would get this far. It took something major, and that was my wife leaving. I have not been the best husband, I could have been better in a lot of areas. I have not been the best father. I by no means think that I was a poor father. I have what seems to be a unique out look on parenting. I have always said "It is my job to raise my children to become function members of society that can contribute in a positive manner". I live on and we own a farm. I never went to any of my kids activities until just recently. I would stay at the farm and tend it. A farm alone is a lot of work, but I would also work my job in the Navy. As a result, my kids have a lot of skill sets that other children do not. I am very proud of that. What I am not proud of, is that they are 13 and 11, and I never went to their ball games until now. We didn't go to the fairs, or bowling, and rarely went out to eat. Pretty much all work and no play. Even when we were playing, there was a work aspect to it. My kids have a very good work ethic and I am extremely proud of that. But make no mistakes, I have regrets, and would do things differently now. In fact I am doing things differently now. To the point that 95% of my free time, if not more, is devoted to them. With the farm in neglect. I will catch up on the farm when I have time. If I don't end up with time, I'll either make it, or say screw the farm. I would rather have my family. I have currently lost my wife, and I don't want to lose my kids as well. Through all of this I believe that my children and I have become closer, and they have become more distant with my wife. Even while I was away on deployment, not a day passed where I didn't have a conversation with them, except once when comms were down.
More on the relationship. Leading up to my leaving on the ship this time around, a detachment for less than 30 days. My wife attempted to talk to me and I basically blew her off. While on that detachment, she told me she thought we needed counseling. I blew that off as well and said, nope not me. (for less than 24 hours and then agreed to it, but she was no longer willing) She kept saying that she needed to be happy and didn't know what was going to happen. I told her that it sounded like she was thinking about leaving. I pushed her, I said if that is what you are thinking, don't string me along. Tell me. She said that it was the hardest thing she has ever had to do, but that she wanted a divorce. Only at this point did I realize the severity of the situation. Since, we have split pretty much everything, agreed to 50/50 custody. Own phones, I pay the bills at the farm. Most of her things are still there, she should be moving into a new apartment in May. She recently got facebook and has been catching up with old friends. She hits the bar scene regularly. We have talked a good handful of times. I did what I guess I wasn't supposed to do. Her response is that she is having fun being her right now, she has work, she has school. She is putting herself first, kids second and that's it. She said that there is no other person. She has no interest in a relationship with another person at this time and that we need to be friends first. She is enjoying hanging out with her friends. Sometimes I think it is almost like a quarter life crisis. But I can also understand her desire for time with her friends. It is not so much that I kept her from her friends before, but I also didn't really facilitate her communications with them. Neither of us had facebook, I still don't, only because I've seen it cause drama. So in turn she never did either. But I didn't forbid it. I really don't know about the friends first thing. It kind of makes sense, but at the same time, I don't know if I can do that. Currently my plan is to detach. Not stop all communications, because we have kids. If there is something she needs to know, then I will tell her. Other than that I will respond to her is she says something to me. She has free run of my/our house still as a lot of her things are here, I don't think I will change the locks or anything like that just yet. I am thinking about giving it a week or so and asking her to lunch. Not talking about us. But catching up on the week or so that I will have missed. Filling her in on the kids games, and little things they do. Showing an interest in her friends if she tells me about them, but don't pry. That part will be tricky. I don't want to come off as though I'm jealous. I would actually, in all honest get to know at least some of them. I mean that is what friends do right? I have a feeling the response from this that I am going to get is....Do you want to be just friends? And not to go through with the last part of what I am thinking and just detach and continue to focus on me and the kids. I do plan to continue working self improvement and I have already missed out on to much with my kids to make that mistake again.
I will look up the Nice Guy Syndrome. It sounds like you might be able to figure it out by thinking about the name, but something tells me there is more to it than that. You are not wrong that a change in thinking is needed as well. I believe I have started, but I know there is more to go. Like with the alcohol, I have set goals, I'm almost half way to my alcohol goal of one year. After that one year, I'm going to shoot for two. My mindset on a lot of things has changed, but not quite everything yet. Today, so far, marks the first day I have had no contact with my wife. Normally I will tell her about my sons baseball game and how that went, and there is random small talk via text. However today I said nothing, I only posted video of my son drawing a walk on Instagram.
Hang in there brother. I am 24 years sober in January, after several years of alcohol abuse. Your life will be so much better without it, trust me on this one.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I will look up the Nice Guy Syndrome. It sounds like you might be able to figure it out by thinking about the name, but something tells me there is more to it than that.
The term comes from the book "No More Mister Nice Guy" and the thrust of the book is that guys that have an outward appearance of being super nice are often very passive/ aggressive and selfishly motivated. On overwhelming number of guys that end up on these forums are very much these "nice guys" so there's something about NGS that really wears a marriage out over time. Anyway I would suggest that you not just "look it up on the internet" but buy the book and read it. Also be sure to read Michele's books if you haven't already (DR at a minimum) as a LOT of people come here asking questions that are clearly answered in her books.
Having a rough go of it this morning. I dropped the kdis off to catch the bus at a friends house. My wife is supposed to be staying there with his kids, because he is away at work, to make sure that they are ready to get on the bus. Just so happens to be where I also drop off our kids. She was not there. Then I get to work and I have the final divorce papers in the mail. I am supposed sign them, send them back, then the judge signs them and it is final. I don't want to sign them, and I'm not sure what I am going to do. Maybe just sit on them.
I don't have a lawyer. I have legal advisors that I can go through. But I haven't officially hired a lawyer. Everything has been amicable so far and there isn't really anything I have to complain about in the divorce. I keep everything I want to keep. 50/50 custody, child support is 300 a month for 2 kids, so that is alrigh by me, 150 per. With my income the state says 126 at 50/50 I believe, but the state generally won't do 50/50 with an active duty military member, even though the law states they can't use that against the member. It just doesn't work that way. 50/50 is usually only granted in an uncontested divorce. essentially I'm satisified with everything in the divorce, except for the divorce itself.
Talk to legal counsel. Find out what happens if you refuse to sign. Does your state have a limitation on no response? Meaning if you don't respond in X days it is the same as signing? If you want to contest the divorce, how do you do that? Etc. personally I would contest it if I didn't want it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Revik, I finished reading through all your posts and wow. This is a tough one. I've got to say that when I read about all of the cheating before and after the M I couldn't help but see "doom" written all over your M. Seems like there's been a lot of bad behavior on both of your parts and the attitude has been to sweep it under the rug, pretend it didn't happen and move on. Both of you should be seeing IC's I think. There have got to be some personal issues on both sides that need exploring. Unfortunately she's out the door so you can't coerce her into IC, but you should at least seek it out for yourself.
I'm not sure either of you has ever effectively met the needs of the other. Read DR if you haven't already. Also read the 5 Love Languages. You're not in a position right now to implement 5LL, but it will help you understand how you've both been neglecting each other.
Originally Posted By: Revik
I have not been the best husband, I could have been better in a lot of areas. I have not been the best father. I by no means think that I was a poor father.
I don't think any of us came here wondering if our "Husband of the Year" award was in the mail, LOL! But now you know being an OK husband and OK dad isn't good enough. It's not a class you strive for a C in, your goal is an A+++.
Quote:
As a result, my kids have a lot of skill sets that other children do not. I am very proud of that. What I am not proud of, is that they are 13 and 11, and I never went to their ball games until now. We didn't go to the fairs, or bowling, and rarely went out to eat. Pretty much all work and no play. Even when we were playing, there was a work aspect to it. My kids have a very good work ethic and I am extremely proud of that. But make no mistakes, I have regrets, and would do things differently now.
It's good that you recognize that. And it's not too late to do something about it. And it sounds like you are, so that's great! Try to communicate with them more, find out what they want from you as their dad, what their hopes and dreams and goals are and work on those things in addition to instilling a good work ethic in them.
Originally Posted By: Revik
I am thinking about giving it a week or so and asking her to lunch. Not talking about us. But catching up on the week or so that I will have missed. Filling her in on the kids games, and little things they do. Showing an interest in her friends if she tells me about them, but don't pry.
Don't ask her out. If you're picking the kids up or dropping them off and she wants to chat then listen to her and validate when needed.
Regarding the D papers, you can delay the D but you can''t stop it. And if you delay it she will probably just resent you for it. So if everything looks OK then sign it and send it back.
Read the books. Give her time and space while you work on you. If the D goes through then so be it, that doesn't mean things are over. We all know couples that reconciled after D. Life is strange that way.
