Wild ride and now trapped in the Bermuda Triangle

[dmoy]

dmoy, would it be safe to say you are a very reactive person? As in if someone pushes you, you push back? If someone disses you you diss back? If someone insults you, you insult back?

I am the same way, that is why I recognize it in you. That is why you are doing this passive-aggressive "hey're getting dropped off tonight and I'm not even going to get out of the car." Is that really the reaction that will get you ahead?

You should have validated when she texted you: "nd pushed for me to drop off and not hang out because she perceives that as the source of the problems." You should have responded with a validating response (see the sticky on validation). If she responded to validation, validate again.

Tonight when you drop the kids off, go in. Say goodnight to them. And leave in a timely manner. She'll be the one that deals with the fallout from the kids not getting their normal routine. Don't be angry. Don't be pouty. Don't be passive-aggressive. Interact with her the way you normally do, but read the thread on detachment and put it into practice.

I think you'll get more mileage out of DBing than you will out of being passive-aggressive and reactionary.

Steve,

I wouldn't say it's reactive in the sense I read your examples (tit for tat) but I would say the pendulum swings have been extreme at times even though I'm getting better.

You're right on lack of validation. I'm still struggling with that and usually realize after rather than during a conversation. I did have a good validation/empathy convo this past week where she explained something to me and I validated.

One thing I had forgotten last night was that she told me she didn't sleep for a few hours the night before. I should have kept in mind she was tired and just never had the conversation I tried to have.

I'd love nothing more than to go in and say goodnight but I have a feeling it may stop at the porch. She's met me on the porch once or twice before and cut me off from even going inside. The whole "daddy won't be allowed inside" is something she's told the kids a few times in the past week, but I had only heard through the kids. Last night was the first time she actually said it to me.

Nevertheless, taking them to the porch and acting nice would be better than staying in the van and acting passive aggressive.