These are the situations I struggle with. I never know what to say in the heat of the moment. I know I need to let her fall, but I'm always confused on how to respond or deny help without looking like a jerk....
WAS's hate to be controlled and manipulated. No matter how good your intentions, when you try to intervene and help a WAS they resent the hell out of it. My ex told one of her friends that her worst nightmare was thinking about contracting some terrible illness and having to be taken care of by me. Yes she actually said WORST NIGHTMARE. That is the WAS mindset, and it is damned hard for an LBS to understand how after 10 or 15 or 20 years of marriage the very person you swore to support in sickness and health suddenly wants nothing to do with you.
In short we're not telling you to "deny help" to her as you put it, we're telling you to quit jumping in to rescue her when she's not asking for help.
