Advice on my scenario pt. 2

[OrangeK]

Sandi,

Just to clarify, I hope you won't see my questions as telling you to give up or that the M can't be saved. I was mostly trying to get you to express your thoughts and feelings to those questions. Since your hands are tied, that's about all I know to do is get you to talk it out.

I appreciate the clarification, I didn't think you were trying to get me to give up hope. I just know that at least somewhat getting to that mindset seems to be key in DB'ing. I Love my wife, despite what many others tell me i should feel (NOT here, but IRL, and I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it from people who don't get what I'm going through, which is why this forum is so important to me)
I will always hold hope that we can maybe someday fix this. Talking it out is so important to me. I think my situation is somewhat unique, where other DB'ers can actively work and guage their progress or lack thereof through interactions with WW, i cannot, so talking my emotions out here is so important. I was left with no closure, no info, and no truth. Then was FORCED to go full NC, with no possibility of doing it any other way.
This mired me in the desperation stage of things far longer than i think i would have otherwise spent in that stage thereby taking away my ability to DB at all, with the exception of GAL'ing, which is all i should be focused on right now anyway. The time will come for my DB to either breed results IRL with my WW, or they wont, and i will have already GAL'ed my way to a much happier place without her, so ill be ready if this is truly the end.

I encourage you to get plenty of physical exercise. Other LBS's swear that it helps them cope better with the emotional ups & downs. Also, they say GAL is a lifesaver.

It is a lifesaver, and has been very good for my self esteem too. Going at GAL 1000%.
I will strive to be the best Dad, Man, Firefighter, Climber, Swordsman, Blacksmith, Scholar and Lover I can be.
Plus my roommate has convinced me to overcome my fear of motorcycles.
This year I RIDE.

You said that driving back & forth to work is a difficult time to keep your thoughts off the sitch. Have you considered listening to motivational recordings while driving? Your local library probably has some, if you don't want to purchase any. YouTube has a ton of motivational speakers on all types of subjects.

Great Minds think alike Sandi, i have been listening to a lot of motivational stuff on my commute this weeks and last, and when im not i do Audiobooks.
Im a big nerd and any method to step out of my life and into a fantasy world does me wonders.
Its why playing D&D has been a HUGE help in disconnecting and GAL'ing.


Something else you might consider is to volunteer help to someone. I'm not talking about an organization (although it's fine), but make a point to observe people around you and if you can see some little way to help them. It may be some elderly person in your neighborhood. It might be a shut-in, or someone at work. Keeping an eye open to see if someone needs a helping hand, might keep your mind off your own sitch to some degree.

Again, we are on the same track!!
I am a firefighter / EMT and I have been neglecting that aspect of my life since the separation in Oct. This is another aspect of GAL i have resolved to really buckle down on. I always got such a sense of pride and fulfillment from volunteering with my local Fire Dept.
Its part of what helps me know my value. I am respected and appreciated in my community because of this.
Time to saddle back up on the big red truck!! WEEE-WOOO!

I have great faith in the man I aim to be in a years time.
I know his value, and i know his value and changes made will be evident and obvious to all, including WW.
If she doesnt see those changes or chooses to ignore them, her loss, which she would maybe realize after D or if I was with another woman.
But im doing me. I dont need to try and make her jelous or shock her system. If she doesnt 180, she aint worth my time.
I am valuable and worth loving, right now, she isn't, and I'm not going to bend over backwards for her anymore. Not till / if she earns it.

I had an epiphany last night, and as humble as he may be about it Makia really helped with that, as did my room mate (Shout out to Tim the Warrior! till Valhalla Brother!)
i have wasted SO MUCH time and mental energy being sad/angry/depressed because i dont know what shes doing or thinking, or what the deal with OM is, even the petty questions, "what did I do wrong" "is he better than me? Kinder? better in bed? wealthier?"
"How could she do this, when she JUST professed to love me for life 6 months prior"
It has finally sunken in.
NONE OF THIS MATTERS.
It wont change her mind, or sway her actions, and for the first time EVER. I legitimately DO NOT WANT to sway her actions / thoughts.
IF they change, i want them to change because she saw a need for them to.
She is the only one that can change her own mind or opinions, and i have finally realized its a total waste of my time and energy to let her occupy all of my head space.

I will keep you all updated as our court date is 1 week, 2 days away. May be the end of the "criminal" case. (such BS)
Once the RO is gone, i imagine i will be reporting on the same type of temp checking and other WW bologna that i often see here.
She is however the mother of my child, i will always be there in that capacity, im not going to cold shoulder her when we speak. I will be cordial, professional and firm in my boundaries but approachable and reliable.

I SHALL BE THE ROCK IN THE TIDE.