Wild ride and now trapped in the Bermuda Triangle

[dmoy]

So after my last post, I had a conversation with her over text shortly before/after I had posted. It was somewhat serious and after she reiterated she just wants what's best for the kids I insinuated I think we both know that's reconciliation. These were the words on the top of her mind when we renewed our wedding vows after all.

Things seemingly turned around that week. She spent some time with us. Joked around. There was lots of eye contact and her body language was overall better. It seemed like things were headed in a good direction. She even mentioned putting me on her dental insurance when she goes through open enrollment. To me that meant she wasn't intending to file for divorce immediately and was maybe considering the future.

This weekend she declined to visit my family because she felt uncomfortable and that's understandable. Because the kids would be with me an extra night I gave her the opportunity to hang out with us some on Saturday before we left. On Sunday when she had the kids they came down to get bikes to ride to the park. I ended up tagging along and we had a great time again spending a few hours together as a family.

Monday night things took a turn for the worse. She's been complaining about me hanging around at drop-off the past 2 weeks (really the only complaint she's had) because the kids want me to read bedtime stories, etc. 10 months after they were ripped from their home and they're still suffering through their parents being separated. So after I left to go home WAW texted and pushed for me to drop off and not hang out because she perceives that as the source of the problems. Thinking things had been improving and with my back up a wall in resolving my living situation in < 60 days I brought up the elephant in the room being our separation taking a toll on the kids. After some back and forth discussion and her bringing up lots of things I did including the "you wanted this and wanted to be with someone else" (almost 2 years ago at this point) and things I did wrong when we got back together and briefly tried counseling. She then brought up how the kids now have a safe place to live which is a bit of the farce because I get my kids every day before school and 3 nights a week. If I were yelling at the kids at all they wouldn't be here. The fact they never want to leave me is a testament to how they're being treated now that I'm in their life and being the father they need. I'm glad for the decision she made because it woke me up, but I'm sad for her seeming stubbornness to improve the situation.

She ended her discussion with she's been hurt too much and doesn't feel the same about me. The last line was very negative and something I'm seeing mirrored in my kids now. "I can't change the way I feel." My youngest (6) is very moody saying "everybody hates me, nobody wants to be my friend or family", etc. If she does one thing wrong she sees herself as a bad person. Its hard for her to come up with something to be thankful for.

I have to accept that as the truth because those are her feelings, but I don't accept it as a definitive reality because for the past 5 weeks, her behavior and body language was anything but. It feels like she may be having an EA with someone and they're pressuring into leaving me permanently for whatever reason.

I think most of this came to a head because I'm under the gun on my lease renewing in 45 days and being locked in for another 12 months with a very cost prohibitive out clause. Living paycheck to paycheck in financial suicide with debt we can't pay off. Assuming she didn't leave last June and we maintained a single household, the debt would be all paid off by now and we would have had 4-5 months of savings in the bank.

Trying to be patient but I'm at a loss of what to do. Today I'm trying to go dark and just not text at all for a few days aside from kid stuff. They're getting dropped off tonight and I'm not even going to get out of the car. She can have her way and deal with them leaving me and see how they behave when it's just her.