Advice on my scenario pt. 2

[OrangeK]

I am very immaterial. If it were not for the significant sentimental value of this item i wouldnt bother.

It is the favorite item from childhood of my mothers, that belonged to her first born son, who died at the age of 33.

She never thought she would be a grandparent and had to dig all these old items from the 80's when she found out id be having a child.

She still VERY much struggles with my brothers death, 3.5 years later. (he died 9 days before my son was born too ) and things like this are very important to her.
My son also just happens to be a damn clone of my older brother, so its really tough.

[OrangeK]

I get that i likely look like the flailing, weakling desperate LBH. Maybe I am, privately. That is the side that WW say up until Jan when RO was put in place.

This is why i am hashing through so many "what if's" and "what if she..." on here. So i have my head on straight and have a solid game plan, with "rehearsed" responses, rebuttals and reactions prepared for when we can talk. So when that happens i can DB correctly, efficiently and confidently.
If that breeds zero results, so be it.
Despite how i type here, in my mock preparations, the first rule i took to heart when i posted here for the first time is still foremost in my mind.

NO EXPECTATIONS.

As far as i am concerned everything is dead and gone. Anything beyond that is a win.

[Maika]

How long do you typically see that Hot/Cold cycle? do you feel like this would also apply during out-of-house separations too? With OM Involved?

Just bringing your question here from reframe's thread so that we can keep continuity on your thread.

I don't think there's a timeline on hot/cold cycle. Yes, it applies to out-of-house separations. My W and I have been separated for almost 10 months and she still goes hot/cold on me. Timeline for that is irrelevant because you figure out how to deal with it - by not giving a $hit and letting it roll off your back. Stop analyzing it. Stop mind-reading. Maybe she's constipated, or maybe she's mad at the neighbor, or maybe she's hangry. Who knows? And more importantly - who cares? I don't mean to say that become callous and mean about this stuff - just become indifferent.

No confirmed OM in my situation, so can't answer that part of your question. But, it doesn't matter - you need to do YOU.

[OrangeK]

Makia,

Detachment - My Achilles heel.
I am trying my rear off to accomplish this, and its SO HARD.

GAL - Not as much of a challenge.
I have been GALing for some months now and it is a huge help.

I literally MEDITATE on detachment on a daily basis and it isn't helping. I am confident that if her and i were interacting i would be able to keep my cool unlike in the past. I feel like id be in control and handle the situation well.
Its the internal struggle that challenges me, i live in my own head, with the exponentially growing crowd of What If's and other useless speculative crap.

I feel like im going to burn through my own skin with rage.
I tell my boss (who has been hugely understanding of this whole mess) that i need to go "Cool the Lava" when im feeling angry about all this at more, and i go out in the warehouse and do pull ups.


Moral of the story; Everyone preaches "Detach" "become indifferent", "let go" or "forget about her"
Id love to.
Here the $1,000,000,000 question.
HOW?!

I've been literally trying to TRAIN MY BRAIN to leave her out of it.
I admittedly don't MISS her or PINE for her like i had been, and i have a full conscious understanding that what we had was likely false, and is dead and gone. The woman I married doesn't exist.
Its the loss of what i THOUGHT i would have for the rest of my life, the feelings i THOUGHT we shared, that I cant seem to let go of.

So many people have told me "this is a blessing disguise., you are young, soon this wont even matter to you"
i wish i could believe that.
Because of how young we are i feel like i just lost more.
All the t

[Maika]

Hey OrangeK,

Detachment is probably the most difficult thing to master, because it is indirectly in your control and takes time. You can't just summon detachment or meditate your way there.

There are some excellent resources here, and I believe there is a great sticky on detachment. Just read and re-read it.

It is virtually impossible to get to detachment just by trying to grind intellectually. You can't want it to happen - that's like trying to untie a knot by pulling harder. You're making the situation worse. You have to let it go and once the tension falls, you can gently start untying it.

Are you seeing an IC? I'd suggest you do that if you can. That will assist in your detachment journey.

You need to seriously GAL, expand your network, and learn how to do calming awesome things by yourself. What do I do - indoor climbing, working out, listening to music/podcasts, reading, cooking. I find small activities that give me that calm zen space of mind. Find yours and pursue it rigorously - this will add fuel to your detachment journey and the layers will start peeling off.

You can't muscle your way through this. You can't go around your pain. The best and most effective way is through the pain and you'll get to the other side better and unlocking different layers of detachment.

Slow down, give yourself breathing room, and start somewhere. With something. Doesn't have to feel authentic to start. but just start somewhere - if it doesn't feel too good, find something else.

Complete focus on YOU and your self-care. Detachment will come in waves.

[OrangeK]

Me and that's too funny. I just spent the last hour and a half reading your entire situation and commented on your most recent thread. I've been in a really weird place lately honestly. For the most part I feel like I'm doing the whole get a life thing pretty well. I've gone to the climbing gym myself a few times as that is something that I've had on the back burner for a long time as well as getting into a lot more gaming with my friends which has been a huge help. Unfortunately before my wit's returned to me in my desperate attempts to save our marriage and our apartment I put myself in debt so doing things like going out to the bar or being available to take a girl out on a date has been tough as money has been tight. Most of my time when I'm not working is spent either with my son or gaming right now. However I do plan on getting back two full swing with my involvement in fire rescue. things got a bit chaotic at work because I was bringing my emotions to the office and I've settled that problem and work is going much better now. the only bad habit at work I have to get out of is jumping on here to the forums when I should be busy doing other things. I've recently started looking into getting myself a new apartment as opposed to living with my friend as I know he wants to start to do a lot of Home Remodeling soon and probably won't want my son in the way. I need to get my finances in order before I can do that but it shouldn't take too long and it was kind of weird once I set my mind on getting my own place rather than living with somebody else like my brother and his wife I really like the idea and have definitely decided that that is what's best for me. I need to get my own space again. Unfortunately where I live rentals are few and far between and when you find them they're expensive so finding a two-bedroom that I can afford with just me then my son will be a little bit tough but I'm sure I'll make it work. looking forward to doing some outdoor climbing now that the weather is improving need to get some more of my 4000 Footers under my belt to. I'm sure you can see in my thread that the last few days have been a bit tumultuous for me and I've got to be completely honest with you man your situation and reading it in its entirety is I think the most helpful thing that I've experienced in the last few daysi

[OrangeK]

my best friend that I've been living with since January has been a huge inspiration as well. I've been trying to let a lot of his good habits rub off on me including dieting exercise and a really positive attitude. I'm going to go downstairs and hit his weight set right now and then take a shower and pick a book to start reading as I haven't touched one in years

[Maika]

I scoured this forum and read stories of many people to get some hope and inspiration, and that the bleeding would not go on forever. I am glad that my sitch was able to help you with that as well. I am by no means out of the woods for myself yet, still working on things, but I know that I am going to be okay without my W. Heck, I am going to more than okay.

Get some easy wins under your belt - dress well, clean up, groom better, and if you can afford to upgrade your wardrobe a little bit, that helps.

GAL doesn't have to cost tons of $$$$. 25yrsmlc always talks about how she GAL'd on pennies and did so many things. It can be done. But, take small measured steps.

Right now your goal to get our own place is an awesome one. Draw up a timeline and see plan on how you're saving for it and when you will start looking actively for a place. Plan it all out and then execute.

Yeah, get our diet and exercise in order. Make yourself only a fool would leave.

Joseph9 has talked about how he's letting his anger go in a slow burn - becoming jacked and hella attractive and inviting ladies in his life that deserve his time. That is what I am going for too - my W is going to regret that she didn't give me a second chance. Use the anger and pain and hurt productively.

Btw, read Joseph9 and Benito's threads. Both way out DB'd me and were my support system too. A lot of gems hidden in their threads. Dig it up.

[OrangeK]

I have had a huge shift in my outlook dynamic, and i can honestly say you, Joe, Steve and Sandi have been paramount in that dynamic shift for me.

You are all inspirations, I am fully on the GAL, get in the best shape ever and be a damn rock star mindset.
Its almost summer, time to tune the body up, throw on a Fire Dept tee shirt (ladies love this) and hit the beach with my ADORABLE 3 year old.
Ill have to stave the women off with sticks.

I was a good husband and am a good man.
I know my value, im young, attractive, a public servant, intellegent and engaging.
OM is none of those things, but for the first time i can honestly say I DONT CARE ABOUT OM, WHO HE IS OR WHAT HE DOES OR DOESNT OFFER.
As long as he is kind to my son thats all i care about.

Beyond that, WW and OM can kindly go shopping for hats to Sh*t in, as what they do, say or think means less to me than a dusty rodent fart.

the weather is finally nice.
I have a song to raise and rocks and mountains to climb (litterally and figuratively)

I have the steering wheel. Not her. I have my own life to live, which she CHOSE to DISCARD and DESTROY instead of talking things out like a mature adult.

I think ill hit up the local nightlife hot spot this weekend. I havent done that at all since the separation.

[SteveLW]

OK, nice! I like the attitude. Shows you know your worth and you are no longer allowing your self esteem to be defined by what she says or does.

Keep up the good work. GAL like a madman.

Just a word of caution, be careful with the nightlife. You don't need to go adding another headache to your sitch right now. There will be plenty of time for that later, you don't need to start something new until the current door is fully closed.