"I'm not. But this just seems so backwards to me. I feel like if I start pulling away it will come across more like I've reverted to my old behavior --- bad communicator, disinterest in her. That's what drove her away in the first place."
We hear that a lot here. But the thing is, your situation has changed. You're not dealing with a loving wife that feels like she's not getting proper attention. You're dealing with a wayward woman that is probably engaging in an affair. She does not want you to pursue her, and if you do it'll just look desperate to her and she'll find it very unattractive.
Originally Posted By: State18
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Identify whatever you are doing for him, and stop doing it. An example of this is: stop doing his laundry, picking up after him, cooking especially for him, or waiting on or for him.
Again, this is where I fell short for so long. And now I'm stepping up and doing it. I feel like cutting it off again would send a message that I'm not improving myself anymore.
You're stepping up and what? Doing laundry and picking up after her? This is a CLASSIC LBS mistake. Many WAW's leave their H because their H lost touch with their alpha side and became very beta. Cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, that's all very beta. If a woman loses respect for her H then beta behavior is not the way to earn it back. You've got to find your alpha again. Being Susie Homemaker is never going to bring her back. Now I'm not saying beta is wrong, in a healthy relationship you want to strike a balance between alpha and beta. But what I am saying is once a W goes wayward then doubling down on beta activities because you think that's what you did wrong is NOT going to impress her.
Originally Posted By: State18
man she had been having an affair with lives about 2.5 hours further past that, so I was worried he would have travelled to see her. I'm about 90% sure she didn't see the other man, but I can't be 100%. She didn't call much, but lots of posting on social media from the hospital and calls while she was with her family. Didn't seem to be much room to see the other man.
Oh you'd be surprised. Where there's a will there's a way, and waywards can always find a way.
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But at the same time, it's the little things. She has gone out a couple times with friends. Both times she said she wouldn't be long, but it ended up being about 2-3 hours. Seeing as the other man is about 5-6 hours from us, I don't think he's here, but she could be using that time to talk to him.
What makes you think he's not driving to see her? He could already be waiting in a hotel as soon as she leaves. I think you've got to quit burying your head in the sand, it sure sounds like she's actively engaging in an affair which explains her lack of commitment to working on anything with you. She's just cake-eating. But even if she's not meeting up with him, the BEST case scenario here is still bad. Sandi often talks about the wayward mindset and this kind if stuff of saying "I won't be long" and then staggering back hours later is a clear demonstration of her lack of respect for you.
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A couple months ago she claimed she was "all-in". But it just doesn't feel it.
It doesn't sound like it either.
Let me ask you this, if you found out she is actively engaging in a physical affair, what would that mean to you? Would that be a deal-breaker? Would you push for separation?
