No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

That ^^^^^^^^ was my main purpose of writing the WW threads. I thought you said you had read them, but maybe I was mistaken. If you did, you obviously missed the reason behind the threads. I believe a WAW is a W who doesn't necessarily desire to end her M, but her H has put her in such a position that she feels she must get away from him for her own safety and for the welfare of her children. He may be abusive, or doing something illegally, or an addict, imprisoned, or something along those lines. In other words, he really is the bad guy in WAW sitches. In all of the WW sitches I have known IRL and on this board, the WW is the bad guy......and the H often has NGS, but it's not necessary or a defining factor that makes the W wayward.

My apologies, now that you highlight this main distinction, I remember you saying this several times. Shows how much I need to step back from reading and reading and process for a bit! I got caught up in trying to understand the difference in WW vs WAS hearts and completely overlooked the obvious--WAS is pushed away by a bad H, whereas WW is the bad guy and H often has NGS. Very different dynamic and very clear distinction. My W is most definitely WW.

Well, of course, every situation differs in degrees of waywardness. Compared to a lot of WW's I've read about on the board, I was pretty tame! But here's the thing, 44, you can't have it both ways......and I think that's what you're trying to do here.

You are welcome to join the ranks of H's who think their 20 something W is having a MLC instead of being wayward. Would that make you feel better? Cause let me be very blunt here.........you don't have a clue! You are trying to find a loophole for yourself. You read this....then you read that.....then something else......and your mind changes with everything you read.

To be clear, I do not think my W is having a MLC. And I am very clear on why this would be much worse. I have no problem accepting my W is WW, I think I just dug in too deep in trying to understand what exactly that meant about her heart. I think it's important to be aware of the general state of the WW heart, but probably doesn't matter nearly as much as I thought it did trying to break down the degree of waywardness and if all the check boxes apply. As you pointed out, it can quickly become a game of trying to warp the situation in your favor rather than gain actual insight. I'll stop thinking about it and just assume she as wayward as they come.

Last night I was trying to hold you back from jumping off the ledge blindfolded, and today you decide she is somewhere between WAW and WW. Years ago I would refer to WAW's who were in an A and those who weren't........trying to make a distinction, but it wasn't enough. The two mindsets are completely different.

So, since you asked.........that's my input about it. I think you just need to stop trying to label and analyze and coming up with some theory........and just calm down and read the information.

Thank you for being patient with me and explaining this. You are right, the labels are not that important and started to get in the way of me actually learning the information.

Thanks for your kind words (I think). FWIW, his W was one of those I said I could count on one hand who admitted it. He says they are headed for D, so what is it you wish to gain from confrontation? Do you want to hear her admit it and tell you she wants a D? Is that how you see as a successful confrontation?

I'm not going to keep wrestling you over this confrontation thing. Not tonight.

Please know the words were indeed intended kindly and with much respect. My response there was to Steve and I was just trying to acknowledge that I was maintaining an open mind and understand that one exact approach does not fit all situations, which was what I interpreted he was trying to tell me. The examples I gave were simply an illustration of an outlier--but I understand that is exactly what they were, an outlier, and therefore unlikely just as you said. I was only acknowledging they exist.

Perhaps I failed to make it clear that I was just sharing some of my "instinct" feelings that go against what DB teaches since it is counterintuitive. I was not actually putting stock into them. I made my decision not to have a confrontation, much thanks to you, and am fully behind all the reasons why.