That's okay. That is why this is the time for you to figure that out and reflect critically on what makes you happy and what you need from a partner.
Quote:
I know I dont want someone else
I know how that feels. You're feeling this because you're in the throes of your pain and hurt. The wounds are still bleeding and all you want to do is have it stop. And right now you think that her coming back is what's going to stop the bleeding - it's not. You're also feeling a loss of control, stability, and grounding. Your identity is tied up so much with yourself as a husband and partner, that you're neglecting who you are outside of that for yourself. Who is raws as a man? I'd like to get an answer to that question. What are raws's values and priorities for himself in life? Those are the questions you need to answer.
Quote:
I'd like to have a happy, healthy marriage, I'm just not sure thats even possible anymore.
Listen, I am not far in my sitch to tell you that it's going to be alright at the end of the tunnel and that you'll have a happy and healthy marriage, with your current W or someone else. But you know what, I've seen plenty of folks here who are absolute success stories and have found new partners who have given them even more fulfilling lives. So, I know it's possible. But it's tied to improving yourself, finding out who you are, what your values are, and what you won't tolerate in life.
Quote:
I'm so confused. I love her, but do I want to deal with this?
It's okay to be confused. You're in the LBS fog, which is the opposite of the WW fog - you believe everything is your fault and you internalize that. You see you MR through rose-tinted glasses and minimize your W's faults. The more you GAL, self-reflect, give her and yourself space, the fog starts to lift and you are able to detach and think objectively. Right now, you need to trust the DB process instead of worrying about the outcomes. The outcome will definitely be a better and healthy you; if your MR gets saved in the process, that's a bonus.
Quote:
I know I cant fix her, shes got to do it herself.
Yes, absolutely. If she came back, I would insist on her going through IC before you even consider working on the MR with her.
Quote:
Am I supposed to just sit in this empty house until she figures it out? I'm feeling pretty lost right now.
Nahhh!! get your lazy a$$ out of the house and start living your life. You don't have to move on from her yet, but you have to move forward - which means finding GAL, thinking about where you fell short and making improvements. In your case, you've already made huge improvements, and so I'd think about how to spend time with other people, expand your social network, and figuring out who you are and what your values are.
It's okay to feel lost. We all did. But, we're here a few months removed from BD, following the DB process, seeing that there is light at the end of the tunnel for all of us.
Dust up and just do something, even if it feels kinda inauthentic. Last thing you want to do is sit and ruminate and wallow in self-pity. For sure you can grieve and process your emotions, but get out and find what makes you happy outside of your MR.
I know where you're at emotionally man. I was there. It won't stay that way forever. Just grind through the process and don't suppress your emotions - go see an IC if you need to. I did and it helped me tremendously.
We're here for you and got your back. Come and post here your thoughts and what you want to do. The folks here saved my life. Honestly. I dunno where I would've been if I hadn't come across this forum. You can do this!
