No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

DB'ing is more about an attitude shift in you rather than her. It does feel awkward at first, but eventually you'll get the hang of it. As far as screwing it up, we all make mistakes now and then. The intent is to keep moving forward. Two steps forward and one back is still forward momentum. So if you make a mistake don't sweat it.

Thanks, I need to remember this as I can be a bit of a perfectionist and become obsessed with doing things right the first time..

My ex sat in MC and when the counselor asked is she loved me she said "yes", if she respected me she said "absolutely", if she enjoyed the sex she said "definitely". The counselor looked perplexed and said "I don't understand the problem then, what exactly is wrong?" And the ex said "I just don't want to be married anymore." The fact you have to accept is that right now, she is done. Nothing you say or do is going to change that. Time and space MIGHT change it (but it might not). All you can do is work on yourself and give her time to appreciate the "new you".

That story really drives that point home, thank you.

Not sure how you got that impression. DB and DR and Sandi's rules all emphasize LOVING detachment. The message here is consistent that your W is confused and in turmoil right now, and that this is as much about her and the soul-searching she needs to do as it is about you.

Maybe you misread my quote, or I'm misunderstanding something. I'm not saying I need to be stone-cold and heartless. I know I need to detach with love. I'm talking about how I feel all of the descriptions of WWs depict them as "not the girl you married", "in complete rebellion", "no capacity for logic",etc, which is a very stark difference probably from your "normal" wife that was seemingly there before BD.

The logic is that the harder you pursue, the more repulsed she is and the more it drives her away. You've got to stop that dynamic by quitting the pursuit and backing off. WAS's hate pressure so your job is to remove all pressure. Pursuing her does not make her feel cherished, because pursuit is what YOU want, not her. She wants to be left alone. So when you pursue you are basically saying "I don't care what you want, this is all about me me me."

Right. This IS the logic that counters the original, intuitive logic. And it's why I believe in DBing and am willing to sort of 'blindly' follow it while I really learn the ropes.