The biggest challenge for me is that DBing is mostly counter-intuitive so a lot of times it feels like 'brainwashing' is necessary or I will screw up.
DB'ing is more about an attitude shift in you rather than her. It does feel awkward at first, but eventually you'll get the hang of it. As far as screwing it up, we all make mistakes now and then. The intent is to keep moving forward. Two steps forward and one back is still forward momentum. So if you make a mistake don't sweat it.
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Continuing with that example, I have a very hard time accepting the fact that my W will not give a hoot what I think of her if I tell her how disgusted and disappointed I am in what she's done.
My ex sat in MC and when the counselor asked is she loved me she said "yes", if she respected me she said "absolutely", if she enjoyed the sex she said "definitely". The counselor looked perplexed and said "I don't understand the problem then, what exactly is wrong?" And the ex said "I just don't want to be married anymore." The fact you have to accept is that right now, she is done. Nothing you say or do is going to change that. Time and space MIGHT change it (but it might not). All you can do is work on yourself and give her time to appreciate the "new you".
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That was a bit tangential, but the point is sometimes it feels like I've stepped into another dimension where I must view my W as a stone-cold, heartless stranger that is nothing like who she was a month ago.
Not sure how you got that impression. DB and DR and Sandi's rules all emphasize LOVING detachment. The message here is consistent that your W is confused and in turmoil right now, and that this is as much about her and the soul-searching she needs to do as it is about you.
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If she was hurting so much, if she felt unloved, if I didn't cherish her and the connection was lost, where is the logic that says I must show only detachment and non-pursuit?
The logic is that the harder you pursue, the more repulsed she is and the more it drives her away. You've got to stop that dynamic by quitting the pursuit and backing off. WAS's hate pressure so your job is to remove all pressure. Pursuing her does not make her feel cherished, because pursuit is what YOU want, not her. She wants to be left alone. So when you pursue you are basically saying "I don't care what you want, this is all about me me me."
