44Tries: yes, absolutely. My two main concerns here are.
1. is this just major temp checking?
2. If not, I need HER to accept responsibility and make real changes too. I don't want to go through this again, and I don't want to recon only to end up in the same place in a few months or years.
I'm also really enjoying having friends and being less co-dependent. So a new relationship would need to look different.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Lately, I am seeing people jump at the slightest sign of something positive. I would highly caution everyone to take a chill pill.
Have ZERO expectations!
Just last week she had met a 'beautiful soul' that she was dating, and now this week she wants to work on the MR? That is a serious sign of being on the roller coaster.
Did things fall apart with OM and now she wants you back?
I think your approach to be guarded is good. She has to be remorseful about what she has done. As Sandi says - words, actions, and attitudes have to match.
If she wants to go to MC, make her do all the work to figure it out.
I think that is probably what happened. I strongly suspect that things with OM weren't as rosy as she thought they would be. Your concerns closely match mine.
IF she is sincere and willing to do the work (and not just blame me for everything) am willing to try.
I don't want to get back on the roller coaster though, one ride is enough.
We'll see what she has to say when we walk the dogs tonight. This is the first time I've agreed to do something unnecessary with her since she moved out.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Personally, I think that sounds great. Not overly enthusiastic, taking it slow. Not giving the impression you are totally open. But I'm certainly no expert so I'll let others chime in.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
whoops, missed page two. Your concerns are totally valid and I feel the exact same way as you do about not wanting my old marriage back, even if my W were to reach out. I think the fact you acknowledge that and are standing firm on it is huge. As Maika said, I can easily imagine some LBS's jumping all over such a 'positive sign' and basically throwing themselves off a cliff. Make no mistake, there is lots of work to do and much of it will be required from her. So, she needs to actually be ready and committed to do that.
But for now, your approach seems solid. Tread very carefully and take your time testing out how serious she is. And I'll reiterate what Maika said, have no expectations.
M: 26 W: 26 M: 1.5 T: 3 No kids BD: 31 March 2018
W's affair began: 23 March 2018 Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018 Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018 Ended in-house separation: July 2018
Yes, being cautious and guarded is good. This yo-yo behavior is worrisome.
For your walk, be pleasant and upbeat. Look good. Wear something nice. Don't get into R talks and if she does, just validate.
The only thing I have to say is that be true to yourself. I assume that you are joining her because you think you can walk with her and handle yourself emotionally. I think it'll be hard as wounds are recent and raw. If you can't do it, don't. No need to put yourself through more self-inflicted pain. If she's serious about MC and working on the MR, she will put in the effort. Remember, you are the prize to be won, not the other way around right now.
I will reiterate what Sandi says again - words, actions, and attitudes have to line up. If she is sorry and remorseful, then she has to buck up and do something about it to repair the MR and show humility as well. If you don't see all of those things lining up, I would be worried.
Also, take your time. There is no rush here. She may go back and forth, hot and cold, for a while. The key is that you stay put and straight and engage in self-care. Don't fall for any bait for fights.
Read up on the validation cheat sheet by Wonka. It has been a godsend to me at times.
Also, take your time. There is no rush here. She may go back and forth, hot and cold, for a while. The key is that you stay put and straight and engage in self-care. Don't fall for any bait for fights.
Read up on the validation cheat sheet by Wonka. It has been a godsend to me at times.
How long do you typically see that Hot/Cold cycle? do you feel like this would also apply during out-of-house separations too? With OM Involved?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I'm with Maika, keep your guard up. A lot of times WAS's will ask for something like this but it ends up being so they can check it off their list of "things I tried to do to save the M but only proved it really was over." In other words she's only doing it to cement things being over. Does she go to IC? If not then I would make that your next suggestion. Tell her to go to IC and in a month you can revisit it and decide if MC is appropriate yet.
She goes to a "life coach". I'm far from sold on this particular coach - she got her into astrology and "Trusting her intuition".
She thinks she is going to IC though.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
I second AS here actually about MC and IC. That is what I have planned if my W ever came back around to recon.
Go IC first for at least 3-4 sessions and then decide whether you want to rebuild the MR. Life coach doesn't count. I am sorry. So, you'll have to be firm on that one.
One of my friends is a life coach, and she is a lovely person, but she sure as $hit ain't a trained psychologist. I would NEVER in a million years consider her expertise as counselling or therapy.
