Finding Solutions, Not Distractions..

[Coconut]

be forwarned, my thoughts/feelings about gg are swirling, so this post may be a jumbled mess, but I want to start putting things out.

So I posted last Friday that I was going to gg's rugby game and was excited. That night there was a meetup scheduled at a local club, I knew gg had signed up to go and I was torn as to whether or not to go.

On one hand, I thought it would be a bad idea to go since gg was going, and I didn't want to spend to much time with her too fast. It would be fine if I could go and just have a good time with everyone, but I know me, and if I'm around her my focus and attention is going to be on her. In addition, I didn't feel like I would enjoy being there, dancing makes me uncomfortable, and I enjoy talking and joking with people, something that's difficult to do in a club. At the same time, I knew if she wasn't going, I wouldn't hesitate to go and see what happens. So in the end, I decided I didn't want to not go because she was going to be there, so I went.

It turned out to be as uncomfortable as I had feared and I quickly realized that I had made a bad decision but I stuck it out for about 2 hours.

A little back story real quick; the morning after my game night party, the people who stayed overnight went out to breakfast in the morning, during breakfast I inadvertently found out one of my buddies (lets call him fisher, there are 5 of us that are becoming good friends and he's one of them) had been texting gg. I didn't know what they were talking about or how often they talked, a comment was just made to me that someone saw texts between him and her. Now this particular guy talks to every girl in the group, my impression is he throws out lots of lines hoping one will bite, but I've never talked to him about what his motives for doing so are. Anyway, I was immediately triggered when I was told, I could tell it was a by product of my sitch with the ex, so I decided to process it before saying anything. Then, when I had asked gg out on a date the next night, I mentioned to her that I would like to go to one of her rugby games, she replied that fisher wanted to go to one also and maybe we could make a meetup out of it. That triggered the heck out of me, I put the phone down and went for a walk, then came back and text fisher letting him know I was pissed and wanted to know if he knew how I felt about gg or if he didn't care. He replied that they had only talked about him wanting to go to a game, that was it, he was only being friendly, considers me a friend and would never cross that line. I was good with his explanation and told him it was cool and we were good.

So anyway, back to the club, fisher was out on the patio to smoke, it was quite out there so I went to hang out and talk. GG came out a little later and we were all talking. She told me that she found out there was a going away party for one of her friends from the game night group, that she wanted to go for a little while before our date, and asked for a different time to meet (I agreed but I didn't like it because I felt like our first date was already planned and thought it shouldn't be moved around to accommodate other plans), then out of nowhere, gg asked fisher if he would give her a ride to the rugby game the next day (1 hr away) because her car was acting up. That did not make me happy, I was immediately uncomfortable with that and it made me feel that she might be interested in him, and if that was the case then I was just going wish him best of luck. I don't want him hitting on her, but I wouldn't stand in the way or hold it against him if she wanted to spend time with him and he did. Anyway, long story short, he said sure and she told him that she was going to try and get a ride with a friend, but would call him if she wasn't able so they could ride together.

The morning of the game, one of the other close friends called me to talk, during the conversation she told me that fisher was very uncomfortable with gg asking him for a ride, that he actually wasn't going to go to the game and was saying he was having car trouble also (I don't know if gg called him to ask for a ride or not, I didn't ask). I spent the morning trying to decide if I wanted to cut bait with gg and not go to the game and cancel the date, which I was very close to doing, except for one thing; gg is kind of socially awkward in that she doesn't always process how her actions may affect other people. Because I knew that, I decided to go ahead with the game and date as planned and go from there.

I went to the game, and gotta say rugby is pretty freaking cool, I would agree that it is a better sport than football due to the almost non-stop action (and this from someone who loves football). After the game, I said goodbye to gg, she told me that she had to meet with the team and then they were going to have some drinks to celebrate and told me that I could stick around and participate and then she left. I decided not to stick around and took off while they were meeting, I sent her a text telling her I left, that I enjoyed the game and thought she did great.

She called me when she got home, told me that she wanted to go to dinner, wanted to reschedule the movie part of the date since she was having car trouble and I live about 30 mins from the restaurant we were going to. She said that she didn't want to just leave it out there and wanted to pick a date for that. I told her that I could drive her from the restaurant to my house and back if she wanted to go, and she agreed quickly so I don't think she was using the car as an excuse.

The date was great, I enjoy spending time with her and am very attracted to her. There was no kiss, although I looked for an opportunity I never really felt like it was mutually felt so I refrained, I just gave her a hug at the end, and held it a little longer than a friendly hug. So the date was great but I do feel that her actions leading up to it were disrespectful, which has made me put up some walls.

I apologize for being so long winded, but if you made it this far and are still following along, I do have concerns about:

- the lack of priority she put on our date, moving it around for other plans,

- asking fisher to drive her to the game an hour away and not asking me (btw, gg and fisher don't really know each other, only talking once at my party)

Do you guys think her actions were disrespectful or if I'm expecting to much being that we had never gone out before and she didn't owe me anything?

[doodler]

Do you guys think her actions were disrespectful or if I'm expecting to much being that we had never gone out before and she didn't owe me anything?

Dude, you gots the GG lust real bad. You seem a little possessive and you haven't even swapped slobber yet. Not good.

[DonH]

Here I go agreeing with Doodler again but yeah wow. That was exhausting just reading it all. Can't imagine living it. For a minute there it was like a throwback to high school.

To be fair it's hard to get a read on the group dynamic without being there but I can totally see how things could get very messy between friends if the goal is dating or even hooking up. I get a very squeezy feeling just reading about it. "Don't talk to her, I like her."

I'd be guessing if I gave any detailed thoughts.

You just seem to be getting really invested really soon and then expecting certain behavior right out of the gate. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. It's just a date - or at least should be at this point. Makes me wonder if you're ready for it all?

[Vanilla]

[Vanilla]

[Vanilla]

So trying a different device.

It looks like GG is going exactly what she is supposed to be doing.

Dating.

She isn't responsible for your feelings about dating.

And actually I don't get it. If an old bird like V can get two dates a week then it must be possible.

I chat to peeps, find out if they are free to date, exchange numbers, chat some more, have coffee then if all ok go on dates.

Go have fun And date.

V

[Ginger1]

Ahhhhh, we have something in common here, although I learned to scale it back.

We expect people to treat us as we would treat them. The thing is, people don't always think like us and that doesn't make it right or wrong. You had a picture of how things would go when you asked her out on a date, and she had another. To her, it's a casual first date and she may be wanting to date around. You are meeting up with a bunch of guys and girls, and interest may be taken in more than one guy, or girl for that matter. You have no commitments to each other.

Dating is what it is. There is really no level of loyalty on the first date. You are triggered because you know the other person. You would have no clue if she was doing this if it wasn't a person in the group. And she could have a bunch of different dates lined up for the weekend just as you could.

Hang in there. You'll find what works for you, what are willing to accept and what your dealbreakers are. And they will change from time to time.

[Coconut]

I want to quote and reply, but don't want the message to disappear, so i'll just do generic. Doodler, I am a bit gaga over gg.. I don't know why, there are other girls I could date, but I just aren't interested in them, and gg checks off a lot less boxes than they do on my "what I want list".. I also think that is a big part of the problem, I'm not dating others.. all your eggs in one basket type thing. I'm pretty sure the only reason I became so attracted to gg, and why I'm currently overlooking a LOT of red flags (of which I've only mentioned 4 children living at home) is because I initially was attracted to her almost 3 months ago and that attraction kept brewing for another 2 months or so before I actually got a chance to start talking to her and getting to know her.

Don, ahh, high school.. that comment hurt more than most 2x4's that I've gotten here at DB, but it does come across that way. Although I went on one date a few weeks ago, it was just dinner (we met and parted ways at the restaurant) and it was just an opportunity to follow up on good conversation we had at a previous outing. I wasn't emotionally connected at all, but was there just to see if there was anything there. It was different with gg, this was my first date with someone I really was into and wanted to spend time with. Hopefully it's just the "newness" of dating that caused me to build it up so much and it will diminish over time. As for dating within group, it definitely could get squishy if we date within, but it's a singles group and wouldn't want anyone to not take that step if they found someone they like. As for possessive, I know gg dates, although I don't know if she is dating someone right now and it doesn't matter to me, my issue was with someone I consider a friend hitting on a girl that he knows I've been talking / trying to talk to for months. Like I said, if she liked him and went after him, I would step back, but my issue was with my perception that "he" was trying to hook up with her.

Vanilla, she isn't responsible for how I feel about dating, but if she is hitting on someone in my presence then I would walk away, no hard feelings but not willing to be treated as such. It's hard with her, because she has told me that if she does something that bothers me, to let her know because she has to sometimes learn acceptable social behavior due to a medical condition, but she didn't say what condition. For the record, it is not generally obvious that she has an issue, she only brought it up after I mentioned her ignoring me at game nights. So I still don't know if she was hitting on my friend or just literally needed a ride and didn't want me to feel obligated. As for dating others, there are others I could date, although I don't know I could meet the # of people you do, sounds exhausting to be honest, and I won't hesitate to line up another date if I feel so inclined. I'm not trying to put all my eggs in one basket, but she's the first so until I meet someone else she will be the only.

Ginger, I have no issue if she dates others, but I will not date her if she's dating other people that I hang out with, just to weird for me, like what if all three are at an event together. For the most part the singles group is mostly women, like 95% women, so there hasn't been much dating within the group and most see the group as a way to get out and do things and maybe meet other people while out. I don't think it is seen as a hook-up hangout by most.


Overall, I definitely got to invested too soon, I was excited about it and found myself dwelling on the excitement. I knew it was bad, but something I'd been waiting so long for. Date was two days ago, we only communicated a little by text yesterday after I told her I enjoyed the date, and I haven't really put any thought into a follow up date. I have leveled out a bit, I recognize that while I may really be attracted to her, I don't think there is much long term potential, so I'm trying to get to a place that it's just fun... I'm thinking dating is like anything else, the more you do it the better you get at it, so every date and interaction is beneficial in the long run.

[Ginger1]

There may be too many red flags for you to handle right now. 4 kids at home, medical conditions that cause for social issues....

This is what I was saying, WTF? Men seem to go gaga over these woman who have "baggage" and "issues"

Is it a physical attraction that has you so into her? What is that makes you so interested?

I am curious, trying to figure out the way a guy's mind works, because I have no clue.

Also, How long have you been doing these meet-ups? It's only been a few weeks, right? I mean, how close is this friend really?

[Coconut]

There may be too many red flags for you to handle right now. 4 kids at home, medical conditions that cause for social issues....

and I think there's more, at least she said there was more at my party but didn't expand.

This is what I was saying, WTF? Men seem to go gaga over these woman who have "baggage" and "issues"

I don't think that's the case, I was gaga over her before I knew of the baggage (except I did know she had kids, but how old and how many I didn't).

A big part of why I stopped talking to witty was her baggage, but if she had been as attractive as I built up in my mind, who knows, maybe it would have been different. I have a hard time figuring out why my mind works the way it does, much less explaining it.

I will say this though, if a girl needs saving, it may create a feeling that the playing field is more level. In general, I (as a guy) think the woman have a huge advantage, which is caused by aggressive guys constantly approaching, complementing, going after her.

I don't think girls have to work as hard to be desirable, so when there is baggage they may not seem to have such an advantage and more obtainable. Even gg made a comment at dinner that when you end it with a guy another guy just seems to slide right in to his place, most guys could not make that statement about girls.

The other day I was watching a comic, he did a routine about girls not thinking it's fair that a guy who sleeps with a lot of woman is considered a Stud, but a girl who does the same thing is considered a Slut. He went on to say for a guy to do it, he has to be attractive, have a great personality, charm, some money to pay for the outings, but for a girl to do it she just has to be present, so it's easy for her.

I know that is not always the case, but looking big picture, it's what I see in the world.

Is it a physical attraction that has you so into her? What is that makes you so interested?

In this case, absolutely, I am attracted to her. I've really only had two LTR, one was a girlfriend for about 5 years, the other was my ex. Here's the thing, that girlfriend, my ex, and GG have the same physical traits. Primarily petite blondes. because GG is what is obviously my "preferred" look, I'm a lot more forgiving. Although I really want to focus on a lot more for a LTR, I am willing to put up with a lot more spend time with her for the short time. FWIW, we have not talked about what we each want, so I have no idea what she is looking for.

I am curious, trying to figure out the way a guy's mind works, because I have no clue.

If I knew a way to tell you I would, and hope that you would return the favor. Ultimately, I think Vanilla's strategy would be most effective for you, just strike up conversation with every guy you see that you would like to go out with. I can tell you this, 99% of guys don't care what you say if you start talking to them.

Also, How long have you been doing these meet-ups? It's only been a few weeks, right? I mean, how close is this friend really?

I met gg on 2/5, and I started hanging out with the singles group on 2/13. the definition of close friend is relative, since prior to meeting them I didn't know anyone in town. They are my best friends that I see in person on a regular basis. We spend a lot of time with just us 5, dinners, hanging out at each others houses, as well as texting between us all and phone calls. I don't have history with them, but I've had at least one deep conversation with each of them, some of them more, and have shared personal things about me that I don't just bring up with acquaintances.