Originally Posted By: Steve85
Wow. A lot of activity in this thread. 44 I still think that you are in a good position here without confronting. There will always be time to tackle this and come to some resolution. As I said before I do not think there is a lot of chance of this A lasting very long based on the ages involved.

If you read my sitch you will send I used a mish-mash of a couple of different anti-divorce techniques. One of course is DBing, another was one that first move was to set aside the problems in your MR and work on reconnecting. Pursuit? A bit maybe. But the beauty of that is the antithesis of MC where all you do is talk about your problems.

The theory is a sound one and I believe the combination of DBing and reconnecting helped my sitch turnaround fairly quickly. It took about 3 months for my wife to come back to the MR. Reluctantly at first, but it picked up momentum after that and by month 4 she seems fully committed back to the MR.

Some here are skeptical of that turnaround, and I am being vigilant to make sure the changes are consistent over time. But I really do believe that part of what worked for me was not constantly talking about the problems.

We also had being devoutly religious going for us in our sitch. I think her beliefs, though she temporarily turned away from them, helped bring her back. A big turning point was the faith-based marriage retreat we went on in mid-Feb.


Steve, I really appreciate your VP. I feel like I'm saying that to everyone, but please know it is very genuine. All of you giving me advice are coming from different experiences and have different attitudes and opinions, which is great. I am a problem-solver by nature, so I can really see the appeal to your mishmash approach. There is rarely one right answer to complex issues--of which this certainly qualifies--and as awesome as DBing is, I am careful at times not to get too pigeon-holed and start following the laws like a cult member (all in jest). The biggest challenge for me is that DBing is mostly counter-intuitive so a lot of times it feels like 'brainwashing' is necessary or I will screw up.

But I also know it can't always be foolproof. For example, Sandi has a very stalwart view on the heart and mind of a WW. I think she is very wise and majority of the time, surely right. I value her opinion very highly. However, MRay accounts how his W came clean immediately when confronted about her A and seems to know she is in the wrong. Doesn't mean she doesn't still have feelings or want to be with OM or want to recommit to MRay. But it does sort of deviate from the "WW model".

Continuing with that example, I have a very hard time accepting the fact that my W will not give a hoot what I think of her if I tell her how disgusted and disappointed I am in what she's done. High self-esteem is not her strong suit and she cares a lot about what everyone thinks of her, including me. She may have lost respect for me as a H, but I don't think she has lost respect for me as an intelligent, up-standing, moral man. Again, it doesn't mean she will end her A, show remorse, etc but feel some amount of shame? I would say yes. But I KNOW I have a blindfold on. I am not trusting any of my instincts. It does make me feel vulnerable to walking into a wall.

That was a bit tangential, but the point is sometimes it feels like I've stepped into another dimension where I must view my W as a stone-cold, heartless stranger that is nothing like who she was a month ago. If she was hurting so much, if she felt unloved, if I didn't cherish her and the connection was lost, where is the logic that says I must show only detachment and non-pursuit? I've come to accept that this is temporary and beneficial to gain back her attraction. But one size does not fit all and I completely believe you when you say you have had success mixing alternative theories that may allow for a bit of pursuit. The hard part is I am a clueless newborn to this world and I don't really feel I have the skill to apply such nuance to my situation. So I am following the hardline DB approach somewhat blindly and trying to learn as much as I can. I just hope by the time I am a functional craftsman at this trade, I won't have already messed up.

Hopefully that long-winded merry-go-round made sense and is in line with what you were trying to say. I will go through and read your threads. I think I have read some, but I find everything on these boards that I re-read, I learn something new. Thanks again for your encouragement and please know how much your input helps.


M: 26 W: 26
M: 1.5 T: 3
No kids
BD: 31 March 2018

W's affair began: 23 March 2018
Affair confirmed: 18 April 2018
Confrontation/claims she ended A: 14 May 2018
Ended in-house separation: July 2018