So just came home to find a letter from the police dept addressed to my wife. Ive got a friend visiting and hes engaged to an officer who says it's probably a restraining/protection order for my wife. I didnt open it but I'm pretty sure thats what it is. This is totally unexpected and is absolutely out of the blue. I love my wife and have never threatened her. This is driving me crazy
I can't imagine that's what it is, and maybe it isn't. My W and I had to fill out some paperwork for our marriage counselor and I snooped (learned my lesson later!) and she had made some comments about physical abuse. I was shocked! I had never touched her! I was getting really worried that she was trying to build a case for taking the kids by playing the abuse card. I could hardly sleep thinking of what she was doing. A few days later we had the counseling session and it came up in there and my W explained how she had been abused by a former BF before we had met. The stupid thing was I even knew about that, but in my panicked post-BD state I saw conspiracy everywhere. So take a deep breath, maybe it's nothing.
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My friend talked me through it all a bit. He thinks that since shes always feeling like shes not contributing financially shes got no control in the r and is insecure about the power she has and compensated by exerting control by belittling me to empower herself. She didnt feel like an equal partner in the m.
I know he's just trying to help you but I think armchair counseling is not the best way to go about it. You don't know what she's thinking and neither does he. In fact, SHE probably doesn't know what she's thinking. That's kind of the nature of the whole WAS syndrome, nothing makes sense, nothing can be explained. Part of DB'ing is learning to accept you don't know what's going on and will probably never know.
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Maybe this is her way of trying to get back in control? I dont know.
It's far more likely that she is just confused and in turmoil and doesn't know what she wants. That's why time and space helps, it gives her privacy to sort through her feelings.
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Ive been thinking a lot about what went wrong. I definitely think I got a bit lazy, sure. But it also might not be as much my fault as I think it is.
It almost never is. Marriages typically fail because both spouses quit trying. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? It's a great book and I really took a lot of it to heart, especially the "bank account" and "love tank" analogies. I definitely work at keeping my GF's love tank full, and it pays off big time because when her tank is full she WANTS to fill mine. When both spouses sit back and wait for the other to fill their love tank then neither ever makes a move and both of their tanks just slowly drain away to nothing and the resentment builds. Usually both have thought about BD'ing the other, but once one finally makes that move it triggers a strange reaction in the other where they forget they were unhappy and suddenly feel like they will die if they don't get their spouse back.
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We argued a lot about money. She trained full time (6-7 times a week, mornings and evenings tues. Thurs.)and recently started going to school (wed. Friday). She didnt really contribute much financially and because she was training or at school she didnt really contribute as much as I probably would have liked around the house.
She would come home and just seem upset. She would get on me for not doing more around the house. I leave for work at 645 and get home around 430 and some days not until 530/6. Some days we were just able to say hi/bye between work and each of our trainings.
^^^All of that sounds like a very broken, unhappy relationship.
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In an effort to make her happy ive made a real effort to help around the house more. Dishes, Laundry, whatever. It still didnt seem to help. If it wasnt the house it was money.
That's all very beta behavior at a time you need to be more alpha and extert yourself as a strong, independent man. Being Susie Homemaker is not going to make her more attracted to you.
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She felt like she didnt have freedom to do what she wanted. Shed spend money and get upset when I would ask if the things she was buying were necessary. She would get offered camps and seminars that would cost 300+ and hotel fees on top of that and id be expected to just make it happen. Shes in the nicest workout clothes and I'm in the same stuff ive had for years. That never really bothered me, I enjoy being able to do nice things and get her nice things, I just didnt feel appreciated for it.
Sounds like a lot of resentment on both sides. One way around this might have been to sit down and agree on a monthly allocation for her. Give her a budget that is hers, no questions asked. If she has to exceed that budget in a month then she comes to you to discuss it. If she stays within her budget then no discussion is needed. I can see both sides of this issue, she resented having to explain every little purchase to you and you resented her spending money freely without thinking about the financial implications. This is all due to a lack of communication.
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I havent reached out to her since Wednesday. I figured if shes angry enough to leave like that shes gottta cool down a bit if im gonna get anywhere.
Yes, exactly! You've got plenty of time. Just settle down and relax and give her time and space.
