No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

So here is my update:

My perspective has shifted a bit, hopefully in a good way. I snooped again today, but it's not what you think. It wasn't anything to do with the A. (And don't worry I have no interest in snooping becoming a habit, but today it turned out to be a blessing). What I snooped on was the conversation my W had with one of our best friends about ending our marriage.

Predictably, my W mentioned nothing of the A. Instead she had a lot to say about how unhappy she has been and how much she has been hurting. She said a lot about how deeply she cares about me and her heart is destroyed knowing how much she has hurt me and treated me in ways I do not deserve (I assume this mostly refers to her inability to give me the affection and love I want, sex, etc). She talked about how much it hurts to end our relationship, and also the small amount of relief she felt now that it is in the open. She talked about how our communication has been open and honest and how much she respects me (this part I have to say is obviously flawed to some degree, but I believe that she believes it). She talked about how she has really tried, but thinks some people are just not meant for each other and she couldn't go on how she had been going.

Most of this was similar to what she shared with me, and while I still take it with a grain of salt, it helps to know that her story was the same when confiding in someone she deeply trusts that isn't me. In some ways, it was a lot more information than she gave when talking to me. My heart broke all over again to see her pain and suffering. The feelings of what have I done wrong, what can I do to fix it, etc all came rushing back. But the most important insight, I think, was that I truly internalized the fact that the A has nothing to do with our MR or her choice to walk away. Certainly, I do not think it is okay or acceptable. The timing is very convenient and undoubtedly it influenced her decision. But I do believe that she intended no malice. I believe that she wanted to the right thing and break-up with me before really going down that road. Since we are not high-schoolers in a dating relationship, this doesn't quite work. But, what I can see now with full clarity is a broken, hurting woman that puts everyone else in her life above herself and doesn't know how to find her own happiness. Despite all the pain and heartache I have gone through in the past few weeks, I think the deepest hurt is to see the full extent of how much she has suffered.

Words cannot fully express how much love I have for her, and I want her to find that happiness above all else. Of course, it is devastating to think that might not be possible with me. And I am not really a believer in the whole "we're not meant for each other" thing. I think it is much more scientific than that and all those replayed scripts that couples go through over and over--the loss of respect, the resentment, the hurt--just get in the way and kill that natural connection and compatibility that brought them to the altar in the first place. Certainly there are exceptions, but there is no big secret as to why everyone's story starts to sound the same.

Perhaps it is too little, too late. When I first read MWD's article on the WAS and how she describes that only in the moment where the W decides to walk away forever, does the H truly make the changes he needed to, I felt such a sinking feeling that my story would have this same tragic ending. Maybe it will; I do not know. All I can do is make those changes and become the man I want to be. If my W is past the point of being able to turn around and see that, I am okay with it. As long as she finds happiness and fulfillment, I am at peace.

But, I no longer feel the need to 'punish' her for the A or hold her feet to the fire. I know she is on her own journey and hopefully moving closer to finding what she is looking for. I do think it is inexcusable and I hope one day she acknowledges that and apologizes. But I have understanding and sympathy, and my heart is in a place of forgiveness and humility. The A has nothing to do with the problem. I don't think there is any chance her heart changes about me or our MR while she is in the midst of it, but I think I just need to focus on being the lighthouse, addressing my own flaws, and let it run its course. The cage is open and she is free. I know I will find my own happiness regardless of what happens.