No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

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Well, that's what we hope to accomplish. I won't say there will never be a time for you to confront her. I'm saying the time is not now. You aren't ready.

I understand. I am very grateful to have someone like you who can objectively tell me that bluntly.

I don't know if you realize it, but that last sentence is very good.....and says volumes. Becoming that man only a fool would sacrifice for an affair is admirable. Unfortunately, there are a lot fools running around out there.......but if you come through this ordeal being a better man, then you will have gained something very valuable that a piece of paper doesn't determine. Know what I mean? In other words, a marriage license or a divorce decree does not make the man. You make the man.

I'm glad to hear this. That is my one and only true goal for this whole situation. I want to be a better man that only a fool would leave. If she turns out to be a fool, so be it. I definitely understand that a piece of paper or my relationship with her has no bearing on the man that I become. Which is a great thing because that means the one thing I do have control over--myself--is the only thing that matters for achieving my true goal.

I really believe you are thinking of tactics. Someone suggests confrontation and you can't get it out of your head until you do it. I've watched this played out over the past eleven years of reading stories on this forum. If it was executed perfectly? Yes, it would probably be your best chance. Do you know how to execute it perfectly? It very seldom goes the way the H imagines. If you don't know much about the mindset of a wayward, then you will be sorely disappointed in the outcome.

Completely clear on what you're saying here. I don't want it to be a tactic, but you can't really force it to be something else if that's still what it is deep down. I know it's a part of the process that probably every LBS faces. I think you are right, that until there is no outcome that will cause me disappointment (truly detached), I'm probably setting myself up for further pain and suffering.

Listen, women have denied it when the H would play a recording of the lovers having sex, show photos of them together, and a record of all their text messages. I can count on one hand how rare it is for a WW to admit her affair when the H confronts her.

Wow, that is very crazy. But I believe you. I would like to think "not my W", but I'm not that naive.

This is what concerns me. You are placing too much hope in emotions. You don't even understand the makeup of a wayward W. No, she won't be shaken! She doesn't care what you think about her.

I kept trying to get you to say what you expected when you confronted her. Now I know you hoped she would feel sorry about it, and above all, would not want to lose your respect and trust in her. I wish it was that simple. In the mindset of a wayward, that's kind of like.........the side effects. If the side effects are not bigger than the high she gets from her drug of choice (which is her EA), then she won't stop the drug. See what I mean? The side effects may be uncomfortable, but she's hooked on the drug and she'll keep it until it's not worth the side effects. But remember, you are dealing with an illogical person. Therefore, you will have to get really tough (side effects), live with it, or get out of it. There are only three choices.

I see it. Objectively, it makes sense. But it's still very hard to come to terms with the fact that all that behavior is so foreign when it's your own W you're talking about. Addiction has the power though. I do want to say that I think there might be varying levels as to just how 'wayward' or addicted a WW might be. I am going to write an update when I finish my replies that touches a bit more on this. But essentially, I think there could be a distinction between a WAW who turns WW as a symptom vs. a true WW that just goes off the deep end. You might disagree and I certainly know you know a lot more than I do .

For today, I am trying to keep you from jumping off into something you don't know what you are doing. Newcomer make a big leap, then come back crying and asking what to do next. They don't wait long enough to learn a few things before leaping. See, guys get these things on their brain and then can't rest until they do it. It's like an obsession! What I want you to do is calm down and put aside the thought of confronting her........for a little while anyway, okay? Jumping into something blindfolded is not a good way to get the results you want. Too many guys do that and then realize the results wasn't what he thought he'd get.

I don't want you to feel powerless, and that is why I have been trying to get you to hold back confronting her, at this time. Like I said previously, the only power you have is to have your bags packed and setting at the door when you tell her you will not stay with a cheater (or however you word it). It can't be a bluff. When you feel confident enough that you aren't doing it as some tactic, then you can confront her. But until you are serious and ready......really ready to walk out that door for good, I can't see how you are going to benefit from a confrontation. I want you to understand the possibilities, and I felt like you were jumping at this with unrealistic expectations. What I mean to say is that you don't have enough information about DBing under your belt yet. Plus, wayward wives are the most illogical people on the planet. You imagine her responding like a caring wife who had any sense would respond, right? She won't.

I truly appreciate all of this, Sandi. I feel incredibly grateful to have found this forum and your contributions especially. I can't even imagine trying to go through this without all the support. I am not ready yet because I am not ready to walk out the door, partly just due to logistics. And I know my expectations about the results will undoubtedly not be met.

Pulling back on the accommodating stuff, alone, is probably not enough to bring her around. However, it is a good starting point for what you need to do in becoming a man only a fool would sacrifice for an A. If you want to save this M, then you need to make some big changes. I'm not talking about changes to appease her. I'm talking about becoming an attractive, dominant male who your W will respect and love.

I want you to get on line and do some reading on the subject of how to show male dominance in marriage. Read everything you can find about the dominant male. Okay?

Okay . I have found some great resources already and I will continue to read. I am feeling a lot more confident today that this is the best path for me, and again I will explain a bit more in my update.