No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

Yes, I had to snoop to get the info. I couldn't ignore my instincts any longer. As part of my confrontation I wouldn't allow her to have her phone in her room for a few weeks. I spent that time reading through all their messages (I couldn't sleep, enjoyed torturing myself apparently, and wanted to confirm certain things they said). After awhile I let her take it into her room because I felt it was ridiculous. If she wanted to talk to him she could. And that would mean we were over. I made that very clear. She has never said anything about being upset or anything like that for my snooping. Whether she is or not I don't really know. And like I said, the A isn't currently on (that I know of), but I'm sure she still wants it. Her feelings for OM are still there, and she is only not acting on them because he won't for now. That's why I wish I could change the way I confronted her. I'm pretty sure she hasn't left because she doesn't know for sure that he will have her and all her baggage now that he's been confronted with it.

For full disclosure. She didn't change her phone's password until we officially decided to divorce about 3 weeks ago. She immediately changed it at this point, so I couldn't snoop now if I wanted to even though we're back in limbo. I'm sure if I asked she'd show me, but I feel that would be weak and counterproductive.

Wow! My W would NEVER agree to allow me to hold her phone hostage, much less read all her A messages. That's interesting that she never commented on your snooping or was angry about it. Seems to be a pretty normal part of the WW script usually. I understand the problem of knowing the only real reason she isn't continuing with OM is because of your intervention. Her feelings are unresolved and that could work against you. That is part of the argument in my head for the "don't confront" side. I cannot control her or the A and putting myself in the middle is probably not the best place for me to be. She needs to end it on her own if we really have any real chance for recon. Whether I can have any indirect influence on that choice, IDK. But, I don't see any way for her to truly recommit if she was still wondering how things could be with OM. Similar to the guilt issue, ideally the WW does not come back for the wrong reasons or the cycle continues. I'm sorry this is the sort of the situation you are facing now.