DH has a good side and that side I absolutely love. But the other side has destroyed us. I’m not sure we can recover or should. I'm the problem according to DH. If I would not to this, that, or the other than he would not accuse, yell, disrespect, or have tons of hostility.
This is the first time a counselor (kid’s counselor) has asked DH to work instead of asking me to be more accommodating due to his previous failed marriages and problem childhood.
He was asked about his trust of me and involving the kids. He said he did not trust me in any way, shape, or form. He again accused me of having an affair reason he does not trust - either past, present, or both. He then stated trust has to be earned.
The counselor then said we needed to make a decision. Did I want to be with someone who does not trust me? Did he want to be with someone he hasn't trusted in years (according to him)?
I stated that was a fair question and does need answering. He stated he would let me know when trust has been earned and until then he could not make a decision one way or the other.
By the weekend, he came over to help me wash my car. I asked about the conversation we had with the counselor. He stood by all he stated in the session. I said I would not wait forever. He was getting agitated and made up an excuse as why he would not hug this time and left.
Later he texted saying since I gave him an ultimatum, to go ahead and do what I got to do because that’s what I really want. He will not stand in my way. So now, he is back to old silent treatment. He asked teens how I am doing but did not text me. So I responded I’m great. It is like who is going to contact whom first.
This is so confusing, one minute DH is talking as if he wants to come home but wants me to beg or ask. Then when he is upset, he says goodbye, I can divorce him, or I can go home to parents (when we were in same home).
I love my DH but feel it may be time to pull the plug because we have been struggling for so long. Over five years. Not only have I been accused of cheating but also of not being a good mother or good wife. So we can't really get close and loving with hostility around all these issues.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Are you very sure there isn't an OW? This behavior can only explained by that, or that he is completely crazy. I am leaning toward option 1.
Remember, the obstinate spouse rarely tells you the truth. Believe nothing they say, and only 1/2 of what they do. My guess is that he told you to file for D because he doesn't really believe you would do it. Getting served with papers might wake him up really fast!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I really want to say that I am 100% sure there is no OW. In October last year I had put down a deposit for divorce. After the attorney kept saying how hard it was going to be proving fault divorce (inhumane treatment) I started getting cold feet. The attorney also said, every time DH contested, the price was going to go up, I dropped it. I just could not see having the kids and myself homeless or not being able to move forward.
By the end of May, I can file using the aid of my state. However, I was hoping for the best.
Amoafwl
DH does not like the GAL thing at all. If I go anywhere without him, it is a problem. Trying to work out and lose weight has to be to attract others according to him. At first, he tried to convince me that if I wanted to lose weight, it had to be for him. He really does not have a reason to not trust me. Very seldom do I go out. But when I do, it is always with a female friend. I always let him know when, where, and with whom. It is still a problem and he becomes hostile. He says that is being neglectful to the family and not putting the family first.
So come the end of November, he was hostile again because I went out with a female friend to lunch. Even after I left he clowned so much until one of the teens acted just like him. He then called the police and almost got our child in trouble. Because of that, I left with the kids and stayed overnight in a hotel. Now he claims a relative told him, I left the kids at the hotel and went elsewhere.
Because I went to the hotel with the kids, I think that finally gave him the motivation to leave. Now I did tell him I was sick of the hostility and that one of us had to leave. I was at this point willing to go to a shelter.
Another time we wanted to join the gym (kids and I). He did not agree. So I purchased equipment to workout at home. So one morning, I got up early and worked out in our little room we setup. He came in yelling saying how I was enticing anyone who was passing by drivers and walkers.
When at work, he expects me to text throughout the day and expects me to be at home the same time each day.
So yes for three months now, he has been living elsewhere.
Even with that, I still find myself being accused it seems of everything. I am even provoking him.
Me-45,H-56 DD: 18 DS: 15 M:18 T:23 H moved out:11/2017
What you have described is TEXTBOOK for spousal abuse. I don't care if he never laid a hand on you, the controlling and paranoid jealous behavior is typical for an abuser.
Abusers isolate their spouses from other people, accuse them of infidelity, contact them obsessively throughout the day to see where they are. They also often control the money so that you won't have money to leave with.
I can't believe you have seen a counselor who couldn't spot this right off the bat, it's so obvious.
Leaving an abuser can be a very dangerous moment. This is not a relationship you should stay in, but be very careful about how you move forward. Document everything that you can. Keep copies of texts and emails from him that may help show his pattern. If you decide to file for divorce, consider having a male relative come stay with you. Call a hotline for abused women to get more specific advice.
Does your H own a gun? Do you have a joint account or do you have no access to joint funds? Does it have to be a fault divorce in your state? Did the attorney give you an idea of how much child support you would receive and whether you would get any spousal support?
Try to figure out as best you can how to financially swing this. He may very well not pay support even if it is ordered so you need to plan for how you could survive without money from him in a pinch. Can you save any money now? Do you have family you could go live with in a pinch? Does he receive a regular paycheck that could be garnished for unpaid child support or is he self-employed and able to hide his income?
There is no hoping for the best in this situation, I'm sorry to say. This is classic spouse abuse and he's not going to get better unless he acknowledges his problem and gets intensive counseling (which almost none of them do). Please be extremely careful - women are killed every day by abusive spouses, usually when they try to leave. For your sake and the sake of your kids, get some serious counseling or support around this issue of spousal abuse. You want to plan your moves very carefully.
I will not say the others did not spot the behavior. I think they just didn't want to confront and hubby can be convincing. Sad to say only two saw through.
He does not own weapons. We have separate accounts. His requests after I went back to work. He didn’t want to mingle finances all of a sudden but when he was the only one with income he trusted me to handle all the bills. Now that I work again he says I don’t contribute and he took over his portion of the bills and pays them separately. I pay bills, buy grocery, care for kids, etc. I know we tag team it but not according to DH.
We have the no-fault divorce option. He says I can divorce but will not agree to this route. The final choice is fault (desertion, impotency, adultery, bigamy, incest, and cruel and inhuman treatment)
Not much financial support can come from DH because he is on disability (not bed ridden type disability though). So I have been doing much figuring on how to support myself and teens. DD should be starting a job soon. Saving now but very little. I have family to go live with but prefer to live on my own and trying hard to keep it that way.
It is confusing because he loves family time and we do a lot together. He loves getting in the kitchen with us occasionally, and helps support us financially. I can call on him when needed and he will take care of whatever I need.
However, he just can’t get rid of the controlling attitude and jealous ways. It has killed us. So now that he’s no longer here physically, he tries convincing the teens to go with me every time the vehicle moves.
So there is three months left and I wanted to make sure I've done all I can. I am a member of another support group for abuse.
I didn't know whether to start a new thread or try to continue posting here.
Husband has been trying to handle too many things on this end to say we are physically separated. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the help. I will wash my car but I don't like lawn care, plumbing, changing oil, etc. I am use to my husband taking care of us on that front.
At times he says things like I’m doing more over here than over where I stay. He says this as a joke I believe because he is always smiling. But it kind of bothers me because we are separated. So I had previously mentioned I plan to start getting help with some things like lawn care because the season is getting ready to start. And other things as money permits.
Then, all of a sudden, we had a plumbing issue this week. He took care of the problem. But on the second day of working on it, he was saying how I can always count on him. I said yes, but it does not feel right and we are not together. He then goes I don’t want another man working on my house or cutting my yard. He goes, I don’t care if we get a divorce down the line he better buy you a house.
Needless, to say that went sideways. I told him he could not dictate especially if divorced. I told him the courts would make that decision for us both in regards to the home. And that he was the one that needed to make a decision whether he wants to be in with the changes I’ve asked for or be out.
He texted me later saying I am trying to force him to make a decision, force him to come home, and was trying to control him.
I just don’t understand. He is the one that keeps telling us he wants to come home. Then it is we get along better in two separate places. Then it is I am pressuring him. Then it is he wants to come home but not sure he is ready.
So today he got all the parts taken care of with the plumbing and kept trying to make conversation. I just was not up to it and gave short responses and didn’t try to make conversation of my own.
I'm just wondering what I can do better or say better.
