No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[sandi2]

Right now, she likely thinks I am a clueless fool who she could run back to without much resistance. How do I change that?

Well, that's what we hope to accomplish. I won't say there will never be a time for you to confront her. I'm saying the time is not now. You aren't ready.

I didn't really think I had any influence over her ending the A. Only over how much she feels she has to sacrifice me for it.

I don't know if you realize it, but that last sentence is very good.....and says volumes. Becoming that man only a fool would sacrifice for an affair is admirable. Unfortunately, there are a lot fools running around out there.......but if you come through this ordeal being a better man, then you will have gained something very valuable that a piece of paper doesn't determine. Know what I mean? In other words, a marriage license or a divorce decree does not make the man. You make the man.

In my head right now, confronting her and telling her I want nothing to do with her is letting go of the bag. It feels like the right thing and I'm trying to force myself to do it. But maybe I'm thinking about it the wrong way... It feels almost like you are saying the strategy could be a good one, but you don't think I'm tough/strong enough to actually do it (no offense taken). If it was executed perfectly, do you think it's my best chance or is it categorically the wrong way to go?

I really believe you are thinking of tactics. Someone suggests confrontation and you can't get it out of your head until you do it. I've watched this played out over the past eleven years of reading stories on this forum. If it was executed perfectly? Yes, it would probably be your best chance. Do you know how to execute it perfectly? It very seldom goes the way the H imagines. If you don't know much about the mindset of a wayward, then you will be sorely disappointed in the outcome.

I didn't realize it was that rare for confrontation to be met with admission. Surely, most of the time it is true and there is a strong if not total amount of certainty from the accuser? It's actually hard for to imagine telling her I know and having her still deny it.

Listen, women have denied it when the H would play a recording of the lovers having sex, show photos of them together, and a record of all their text messages. I can count on one hand how rare it is for a WW to admit her affair when the H confronts her.

Like I said, my main thought is just that at least she will be shaken with the fact that I am disgusted and have no trust or desire for her right now and I can avoid playing the "games" like doodler mentioned.

This is what concerns me. You are placing too much hope in emotions. You don't even understand the makeup of a wayward W. No, she won't be shaken! She doesn't care what you think about her.

I kept trying to get you to say what you expected when you confronted her. Now I know you hoped she would feel sorry about it, and above all, would not want to lose your respect and trust in her. I wish it was that simple. In the mindset of a wayward, that's kind of like.........the side effects. If the side effects are not bigger than the high she gets from her drug of choice (which is her EA), then she won't stop the drug. See what I mean? The side effects may be uncomfortable, but she's hooked on the drug and she'll keep it until it's not worth the side effects. But remember, you are dealing with an illogical person. Therefore, you will have to get really tough (side effects), live with it, or get out of it. There are only three choices.

Originally Posted By: Sandi2
My guess is that she'll get angry at you for snooping, and she'll claim they are just friends. I think she'll tell you she doesn't know what she wants, and that's how she'll leave it. Then what do you do?

Well if she knows I snooped, I don't know how she could claim that.

She can! WW's can twist things around and get the H so confused he doesn't know if he's coming or going. She would make this a case about you violating her privacy.

I completely agree with everything you've said here. You have talked me down from the ledge for now, but I still feel very conflicted about remaining so powerless in the situation. I am very clear that until she gains some respect back, and has some real fear of losing me, I don't stand much chance. You said earlier, do you really think stopping the accommodation is enough to bring her around? No, I don't.

For today, I am trying to keep you from jumping off into something you don't know what you are doing. Newcomer make a big leap, then come back crying and asking what to do next. They don't wait long enough to learn a few things before leaping. See, guys get these things on their brain and then can't rest until they do it. It's like an obsession! What I want you to do is calm down and put aside the thought of confronting her........for a little while anyway, okay? Jumping into something blindfolded is not a good way to get the results you want. Too many guys do that and then realize the results wasn't what he thought he'd get.

I don't want you to feel powerless, and that is why I have been trying to get you to hold back confronting her, at this time. Like I said previously, the only power you have is to have your bags packed and setting at the door when you tell her you will not stay with a cheater (or however you word it). It can't be a bluff. When you feel confident enough that you aren't doing it as some tactic, then you can confront her. But until you are serious and ready......really ready to walk out that door for good, I can't see how you are going to benefit from a confrontation. I want you to understand the possibilities, and I felt like you were jumping at this with unrealistic expectations. What I mean to say is that you don't have enough information about DBing under your belt yet. Plus, wayward wives are the most illogical people on the planet. You imagine her responding like a caring wife who had any sense would respond, right? She won't.

Pulling back on the accommodating stuff, alone, is probably not enough to bring her around. However, it is a good starting point for what you need to do in becoming a man only a fool would sacrifice for an A. If you want to save this M, then you need to make some big changes. I'm not talking about changes to appease her. I'm talking about becoming an attractive, dominant male who your W will respect and love.

I want you to get on line and do some reading on the subject of how to show male dominance in marriage. Read everything you can find about the dominant male. Okay?