No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

Perhaps you are correct about my misunderstanding the definition of a temp-check. At the very least she was needling me. She knew what she was doing. My W is highly intelligent, calculating, and far better than I am at playing games like this. My MIL taught her well in this regard. My family has always been very straight forward. I've been very good at detaching lately, and I think she was testing me in some way. I know I failed this one, but I'll be better. Everything is a learning experience.

Thanks for your thoughts on the relationship dynamics. I do think a big problem is when we had our oldest I really stepped up around the house because I knew it had to be done. It was a pretty good 50/50 split before kids, and I never slowed down and talked with her about equally sharing the load again after she was done breast feeding. I just kept right on doing everything, like a doormat. Then that led to some resent on my part that led to NGS expecting something in return. I'm ashamed of that. Then when I quit my job and went back to school, I felt guilty. I wasn't providing for the family, she was. This already made me look weak, even though we discussed this and agreed it was best for the family in the long run. I went out of my way to be the best dad possible and took on all responsibilities for the kids and the house. I was essentially a stay at home dad while going to school, so I felt I should do most of it. This led to doormat tendencies, making me look even weaker. By the time I got my job, she had been getting to know OM for a couple months and were soon best friends. This was when she probably saw me at my weakest: no job, just finished school, doormat at home, NGS, etc. I think she had developed a view of me as very weak due to both my actions at home and our decision for me to go back to school. I thought me taking action to better our future, following through, and succeeding would be enough to keep me viewed as strong. It doesn't really matter now. All I can do is move forward and show my strength and success to the world. She'll take notice eventually, as will others (some already have, though I will not allow myself to go there until my M is over and done).

In regard to male dominance, an in-house separation puts the H at a terrible disadvantage, IMHO.

I agree 100%. All advice I have seen says do not leave the home. She will not willingly leave the home either, so I'm not sure what to do about it. I actually think I would like a real separation. I'd miss the kids, but she can learn to deal with them all on her own and see how she likes it.

Oh, and I have finally experienced how a WS's emotions are all over the place day to day. Before she would have big swings, but they would last weeks at a time. Usually from her having a big enlightenment in wanting to leave me, and then me responding and putting her back into a bad mood in some way. Now that I've successfully(for the most part anyways) been detaching, she has done a big up and down this weekend. As I said previously she was on a big high Friday, and yesterday she went to work all day. She has been wearing her wedding ring out of the house, but taking it off when she gets home. Yesterday she left it at home. It's the first time she didn't wear it when leaving the house since we were married. I thinks she expected a big reaction, and I gave her none. I didn't reach out to her, I didn't initiate any type of conversation, etc., and now today she is looking very depressed again. She had plans to leave the house and take the kids to her parents (this would mean I wouldn't see her all weekend, so I should be upset right?), but I just smiled and said go right ahead and have fun. Now she's been sad all day, napping in the rocking chair when the kids were playing in the living room, going back and sulking in her room when I took the kids outside to play, and looking for me to come begging to interact with her in some way. She won't initiate anything herself, but she is definitely trying to get me to initiate something, or make it seem like I am initiating some contact between us. It's quite fascinating.