No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[MRay]

In house separations are not a fun place to be, I know. I feel for you. Regarding your decision to confront or not, I can only tell you about my experience and my thoughts a couple months after I did it. So here goes a fairly detailed explanation.

I am very glad I confronted W. I'd do it differently now, but I can't change it. I had suspicions for awhile, but the day I had evidence I couldn't wait to confront her. I found texts in the morning before she left for work, and I stewed all day. How I stood in front of rooms full of people and lectured that day I don't know. I had a whole thing planned out to say assuming she would deny it, but she came clean immediately. I took her into our bedroom and asked for compete, brutal honesty. Well, she gave it. I asked her what she goes to bed thinking about every night (their texts included some about wanting to fall asleep next to each other). Her face went pale, she looked to the floor, and quietly said "him." I thought I was prepared for this. I wasn't. My stern disposition immediately cracked, and I started crying. I cry when I'm both angry or sad, so the combination was impossible for me to stop. She said she only developed these feelings since divorce became a real possibility. I told her that's not fair blah blah blah all weak statements out of me. She was surprised I didn't kick her out of the house. Looking back, I wish I had.

I knew OM was still at their school, and I grabbed my keys and went to leave. She asked where I was going, and I told her I was going to confront OM. She said, "I think you should." This stopped me dead in my tracks. It was the opposite of what I expected. Why would she think this? I asked her. She said she thought we(me and OM) should talk about it. Looking back, I think she expected me to listen to him and understand that they were in love. They were just friends that grew into something more.That there was nothing sinister behind, it and he would treat her right and that I should be happy for them. I waited until the next day, because I didn't want to go to my old work and beat the crap out of one of the teachers there. If I went that night it probably would have happened. The next day I confronted OM, and he seemed to feel true remorse. More than W at least. He agreed to end all contact with her (at least until we divorced if it came to that). W was furious when I told her this. She contacted him the next day and he told her he wouldn't talk to her anymore beyond what was necessary for work, and I believe this to be true. He told her he didn't want to be the reason a family fell apart (I actually think he means it as naive as I might be, but if we do divorce I have no doubt they will get together).

The following day she had some sort of mental breakdown you may have read about in my thread. I'm sure it was from him distancing from her. She's now in limbo trying to decide between staying with our family and being alone (her words, she says he does not factor into her thought process but I call BS). I tell you all this so I can say what I wish I had done differently. The way I confronted OM was the right thing to do in my particular situation. We know each other, and sadly I trust him to honor the no contact rule more than W. This is why I wish I was harder on her when I was confronting her. The A ended because I talked OM into it, not because my wife chose to end it. I didn't shock her out of her fog, he did. I wish I had told her to grab some clothes and get out. That she was not welcome in our house until she ended the A. That I would not be with a woman that disrespected me like this. You see, I'm prepared for losing her now. I wasn't then.

How this would have played out, I don't know. I might be worse off for all I know. I just wish I had shown more strength during the confrontation. I wish I had shown more backbone. I wish I had respected myself like I do over 2 months later. I'm not an expert and can't give you advice that I know will work, but maybe you can learn from my experience. If you choose to confront, be calm, stern, and collected. Be prepared for anything. Know what you want to get out of it and know what you are prepared to do. I wasn't and regret it. Best of luck with whatever you choose to do.