No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

And that is why I don't think it will go as you want. The only way she'll feel you are dumping her, is for you to actually leave. That's the only thing that will carry weight, once you confront her.

This is what I was afraid of. I feel very powerless in the fact that I don't have any logistical leverage. It's not that I wouldn't be willing to leave, it just would cause a whole different set of hardships for me. Feels like a lose, lose.

Maybe you are prepared to pull back on dates/outings and not be your usual friendly, accommodating self, but are you really prepared to leave the M? Do you honestly think being less accommodating will be enough to spur her into ending her A, once you let her know that you know? It won't. That's why it puts more pressure on the H to be tougher.

I didn't really think of it like I am trying to spur her to end her A. More like make sure she knows she doesn't have me as plan B. Right now, she likely thinks I am a clueless fool who she could run back to without much resistance. How do I change that? I didn't really think I had any influence over her ending the A. Only over how much she feels she has to sacrifice me for it.

I'm imagining I'm holding onto a bag of a million dollars hanging out of an airplane. Someone is telling me if I let go of the bag, there is x% chance I get 2 million dollars. But, if I don't let go, I get nothing, not even the bag I won't let go of. Logically, the answer is obvious. But for some reason I cannot let go of the bag. In my head right now, confronting her and telling her I want nothing to do with her is letting go of the bag. It feels like the right thing and I'm trying to force myself to do it. But maybe I'm thinking about it the wrong way... It feels almost like you are saying the strategy could be a good one, but you don't think I'm tough/strong enough to actually do it (no offense taken). If it was executed perfectly, do you think it's my best chance or is it categorically the wrong way to go?

Upon confrontation, the WW may deny the A............but at any rate, she may claim OM has nothing to do with her change of feelings toward you. She'll say that the M was over before OM came along. She may take that opportunity to tell you she doesn't love you any more and wants out of the M. She may also claim she can't trust you again, b/c you invaded her privacy and looked at her messages.

She has certainly denied it up to this point, so I don't doubt it is a real possibility. Everything you are saying makes sense, Sandi. It's the reason I am not sold on confronting her.

What if she admits the truth? What if she says she won't end it? It's rare, but it does happen. Then what?

I didn't realize it was that rare for confrontation to be met with admission. Surely, most of the time it is true and there is a strong if not total amount of certainty from the accuser? It's actually hard for to imagine telling her I know and having her still deny it. But, you're right even if she concedes, I could very well be in a worse spot. Like I said, my main thought is just that at least she will be shaken with the fact that I am disgusted and have no trust or desire for her right now and I can avoid playing the "games" like doodler mentioned.

My guess is that she'll get angry at you for snooping, and she'll claim they are just friends. I think she'll tell you she doesn't know what she wants, and that's how she'll leave it. Then what do you do?

Well if she knows I snooped, I don't know how she could claim that. What I saw left absolutely no room for 'friendship'....anyway thank you Sandi, I completely agree with everything you've said here. You have talked me down from the ledge for now, but I still feel very conflicted about remaining so powerless in the situation. I am very clear that until she gains some respect back, and has some real fear of losing me, I don't stand much chance. You said earlier, do you really think stopping the accommodation is enough to bring her around? No, I don't.