I want her to feel like I'm the one dumping her for crossing that line
And that is why I don't think it will go as you want. The only way she'll feel you are dumping her, is for you to actually leave. That's the only thing that will carry weight, once you confront her.
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I'm prepared to give up all our friendly dates and outings. She can feel what it's like not to call on me for anything. No more asking me to bring her a snack or trying to tell me she's going to the store and then 5 minutes later asking if I want to join her. I will be closed for anything than other than civil neighborly interaction.
Maybe you are prepared to pull back on dates/outings and not be your usual friendly, accommodating self, but are you really prepared to leave the M? Do you honestly think being less accommodating will be enough to spur her into ending her A, once you let her know that you know? It won't. That's why it puts more pressure on the H to be tougher.
Upon confrontation, the WW may deny the A............but at any rate, she may claim OM has nothing to do with her change of feelings toward you. She'll say that the M was over before OM came along. She may take that opportunity to tell you she doesn't love you any more and wants out of the M. She may also claim she can't trust you again, b/c you invaded her privacy and looked at her messages.
What if she admits the truth? What if she says she won't end it? It's rare, but it does happen. Then what?
My guess is that she'll get angry at you for snooping, and she'll claim they are just friends. I think she'll tell you she doesn't know what she wants, and that's how she'll leave it. Then what do you do?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
