Newbie In Need Of Guidance #3

[rminer]

Sorry about the blank posts. Apparently copy/paste doesn't work any more. The one in the last thread and the two here were supposed to be this:


I had a conversation with D21 and D18 recently and it seemed like they were trying to tell me something...


After skirting around the issue for a while, it finally came out that D21 and D18 both know about my W's A. In fact, all of the family knows including S8, although he doesn't know it as an A. He just knows something is wrong with the R between my W and OM.


According to them, they (D18 and D21)have known since pretty much the beginning. In November, D18 was at my MIL's house with my W for the weekend and saw her texting the OM and the emojis she was using. She told my W that what she was doing was the same as an A, but my W denied it. This makes sense because this is about the time when D18 and D21 started seriously rebelling against my W and their R went south. Since then, they say they have called her out multiple times on it and she just changes the subject but doesn't deny it.


I told them that I knew about it, but I was vague as to when I found out. I told them I was suspicious in November, probably knew in my heart in December (I confirmed the A on Dec. 25) and only recently found out for sure. I did not tell them how I found out. They didn't seem very happy that I haven't confronted her about it, so I explained that I was trying to get our R to a place where she won't run out the door when I do confront her. I also explained to them that I think D14 and S8 deserve to grow up in a whole family, so I needed to do what I could to save the M if I can. They seemed to understand, but at the same time they all but said I should boot her. They are very angry at their mother over this and plan to text/write/talk to her once this semester ends in two weeks. We will see how that goes...


I haven't talked to D14 or S8 about it, but some of the comments they both have made make more sense now - especially D14. It seems like she has been trying to tell me what is going on without telling me, if you know what I mean. I really feel bad for her because she had her mother on such a high pedestal. I'm not sure how to handle it with her at this point. I'm sure she has talked to her older sisters about it, but at the same time, they are trying to protect her so she may not be letting out as much as she needs to.


As I mentioned in a n earlier post, I don't see my W texting OM as much as I used to, at least not while I am around. I haven't checked up on her because of the mood it puts me in, so It is hard to tell. Three days ago she took a call from him while I was home and smiled when she answered it. By the end of the call she was rolling her eyes and trying to get off the call.


The evening of the same day I went to an event with S8 (D14 came along to get out of the house) and the OM was there. He did something to annoy both of my kids and D14 once again told me how much she does not like him. She also commented that she thinks my W is "getting sick of him too." I asked what makes her say that and D14 said that my W isn't texting as much, has made a few comments about him, rolls her eyes and makes faces when she is on the phone with him.


If this is true and what I am observing is real, there is a possibility of the A cooling off. I don't know for sure though. It could just be wishful thinking on both of our parts.


What are the signs that the A is cooling off or ending?


I do wonder though if she wants to get caught or if she is just so comfortable that she doesn't think she will. As I mentioned, she hasn't denied the A to my Ds in a while, leaves her phone unattended around the house now and made the "open marriage" comment I told you about in my post two weeks ago. She also seems to be taking phone calls from OM in front of people now. Odd behavior for someone trying to keep a secret, at least in my eyes. Then again, I've been wrong about a lot of things in this sitch.


As far as my W and I go, I think things are continuing to improve. We still talk quite a bit with her starting more and more conversations. We have not had anything close to an R talk since that text exchange. I have been avoiding it so I don't push things too far too fast. Most of the conversations are still kids, business and daily events, but I am able to get her to laugh now and I am getting quite a few smiles. I am throwing out compliments when appropriate, but trying not to overdo it. I told her I was proud of her for something and she seemed to really appreciate that. Also, I have been trying to do a few small things for her here and there to show I care.


As far as my W's actions, she still isn't doing much for me, but I don't ask her to do anything either. She is still making sure there is enough dinner made for everyone and has made breakfast for me a few times when she is making it.



She seems to be keeping her commitment to not speaking in code too - at least I think she is. There have been a few times that I have done something she didn't like or that she would like done differently and she told me nicely. She didn't get upset or complain, she just told me. I am still trying to listen for code and read between the lines, but so far there hasn't been much there.


My W has talked about the future a few times as well and has asked me to go to a concert with her in October. There are two concerts we go to every year. One is simply a lot of fun to see and the other is sort of "our" concert (we get a bit mushy about it). In November she purchased tickets to the first one for D18, D21 and herself. I called her out on this during our "date" and she said she didn't get a ticket for me because I said I don't want to see the same shows over and over. I reminded her that I have always said I would see both of those shows every year. A few days later, dates were announced for the second concert and she asked me if I wanted to go with her. I don't know if any of this really means anything, but I am hoping it does.


We have been out a total of three times, once alone and twice with kids. One of the times with the kids was supposed to be just S8, D14 and myself, but she invited herself to come along. I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't object because she had made the comment about the house taking me away from her and the kids. I felt it was best to include her if she wanted to come so she didn't feel I was pushing her away. The timing hasn't been good to ask her out alone again and I don't want tot put too much pressure on her. I am thinking of asking her to go out next weekend again though.


Right now I am just trying to be consistent with my actions so hopefully she will soon start to believe the changes are real.


Do you think I am on the right track, or am I pushing too hard?