Don't want to be a wayward wife ...

[BluWave]

(((Storm))) I am so glad you stopped by :-) Please do keep posting. It's hard I know, but try once in awhile.

I think it's important that those of us in peicing (or that have reconciled) continue to post. It shows the Newcomers how much changes down the road. After BD we are all so fixated on just getting our S back, that we can really lose perspective of the big picture. If they read more posts like ours', they can see how much work it really takes, that is doesn't always work out even when they do come back, and that really the goal (and true success) is saving ourselves. We cannot change people or force them to come back.

I am sorry things are still hard. I hope you will update. It concerns me that she is not able to support you through this process. As we both know it takes a very, very long time to learn to forgive, trust, and love again. Train posted to me some threads back that she will had struggles at 3 years in. My H has been back for 3 years now. I think there will always be ups and downs. If you are both choosing to stay in the M, then you must both accept that it's going to be hard. Why is she not able to validate your feelings do you think?

I find it hard to read/post here sometimes. It is a constant reminder of a more difficult time. I admire those veterans that have been here for so long and keep it going. One thing that has been happening to me lately, is I feel myself having less patience with posters. I think I need to address a bit of that.

I hear (read) people say that DB doesn't work and where are the success stories. First off, I have said again and again, success is not getting your M back. You cannot force someone to come back to a M just as you could not force them to stay in the first place. There is not authentic way you can trick your S into being married to you. What you CAN control is you. If you can learn to heal and become a better person in this mess, well that is success. It also will more likely lead to them being attracted to you again.

I read a poster wanting to know where the success stories were. I think many that have reconciled do stop posting. For me, it's hard to post. I find myself triggered and I also find myself less and less patient with posters talking about the rules but not actually following them. I see posters pining for a S that is truly mistreating them and it breaks my heart a little.

I have read LBS talking about being cheated on, lied to, abused, neglected, removed from their home, watching their S abandon their kids, and all sorts of egregious behavior. These people sound as if their S has done them a favor by leaving! Why oh why do you want this person back? The concept that they are an alien, having a MLC, or it's just a "different version" of them, is a sad and pitiful excuse to me. Let this person go. Learn to value yourself and know your worth. In time you will attract someone that sees your value too. My H was wayward, selfish, and neglected us too. But let me be clear, he still did not abuse me or my kids, he left our home, he paid half the bills, he saw our kids every day, and when he started to come back, he presented someone that was changing for the better. That criteria IMO is a must before you should consider taking someone back. So what can you actually do before they start changing? Let them go, detach, and save yourself.

The success stories are all over this board in those that have truly followed the rules and worked hard on their 180s, GAL, and detachment. That is success. Saving yourself is the best success! You cannot change them and why do you want someone that treats you so badly?!?

Perhaps someone needs to swoop in and give me a 2*4? Anyone??? I have been reading some threads lately from Newcomers and I can't even bring myself to reply. The doormat behavior just kills me. I know this is really, really hard to do -- just read my threads back, I get it, I have been there! But if you keep clinging to someone that is walking all over you, you will never move forward. You have got to hold your head up high and respect yourself. Your S will not want you back if you are waiting around for them or letting them walk all over you. I read someone post (not in these exact words) that they would rather be with someone than alone, even if they were being abused. This makes me terribly sad. No one, and I mean no one, wants to be with a person that thinks so low of themselves.

I consider myself a success story. And it is not because my H is back. It is because I now know what I deserve. H being back is the added bonus. I truly mean that.

Storm, we all have so much to learn from you too. Even if your M is not where you hoped it would be. The posters also need to see that the fantasy they hold of their M being restored is that-- mostly a fantasy. This is a lot of hard work any way you dice it. It is going to be hard to go forward with D and it's going to be hard to reconcile with all the damage.

Anyone other veterans get easily frustrated at this stage? ... I know someone is reading here. And I am sorry for my impatience, but people, you have got to stop spending all your energy on wanting your S back and start creating a wonderful life that others (including your X) will want to be a part of.

Blu