No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

Yes, it does make sense and you are right. If your W does not know you are aware of her A, then she doesn't have to sleep in a separate bed. But if she knows that you know she is betraying you and dishonoring the M, and if you continue to sleep with her.........it appears, IMHO, that you are compromising with the infidelity.

Perfectly stated. This is the reason I was worried, because I do not want to do anything that makes it appear I am willing to compromise with infidelity. But if she doesn't know, then I guess it can't appear that way.

Once the WW knows that you have found out about her affair, she watches you to see how you are going to react. Instinct tells her that there should be some type of response. If she sees you wanting to sleep with her, accommodating her, pursuing her, etc........any lasting respect she may have, flies out the window, b/c she knows you should not want a woman who has disrespected you to this degree.

So, it kind of places pressure on the H to do something, once it comes out that his W is cheating. That's why I tell H's not to confront the WW about her A, unless he is prepared to apply tough love. Confrontation does nothing but alert her that he knows. I'm not against confrontation. I am against confrontation without a plan. Confrontation puts pressure on the WW to do something, too. However, it often results in an action the H did not want. He's thinking if he confronts her that she'll end the A. ATM, I can't think of a case where that actually worked. I can remember stories where the WW would claim she would end it........but in reality, she took the A deeper underground and covered her tracks better.

Right, this is more or less what I would have assumed. I don't see any reason to confront or press the issue, because right now, she has the wayward mindset. Like you said, I can only see that pressure pushing her further down that road.

What I am hoping you will do in your situation, is to get your b@lls back, first, and become an attractive male to your W. Once she knows you are aware of the A, then things immediately go into high gear and much more is required from you. It will harder living with her. You think it's difficult now? Just let her know you've discovered her A!

Thank you, this is exactly what I wanted to know. I just got worried after reading the WW that there was some kind of window or timely need to drop all ropes ASAP. You spoke of the H's ability to influence the loss that may break the fog. I want to do that to the best of my ability, but given the circumstances, I think the best way is to just detach and GAL as much as I possibly can. I know she will feel loss just by my being unavailable and doing my own thing. She already has to some degree and I just want to capitalize on that. My hope is that the extreme tough love tactics won't be necessary in my case to make her feel sufficient loss.

My plan is to be much less available than I used to be and when I am around, prove that I will no longer accommodate and I can be a leader, along with some other 180s centered around areas I feel contributed to her loss of respect. I read your thread on reasons Ws lose respect and it was gold. Sadly, I saw myself in many of the points. It is very frustrating to have so much newfound awareness and know I may never get the chance to truly implement it, at least in this particular MR.