My dilemma is that the A is not in the open. She does not know that I know about it. And as I have mentioned, she is still very attached (for lack of a better word) in that she does the constant temp checks, asking me tons of questions etc. So, I cannot offer justification for drastic tough love behavior. For example, the bed situation. In your posts, you say the message should be "I won't sleep with a cheater." Obviously I can't say that (and in this case, I already know what I will say as we've discussed, I'm just using it as the example). Similarly, most of the steps seem to be underlined with the message "you cheated, I no longer have interest in talking/hanging out with you/having anything to do with you and you will no longer receive anything from me". I feel like the message I send cannot be as strong since the A is not exposed. Does this make sense?
Yes, it does make sense and you are right. If your W does not know you are aware of her A, then she doesn't have to sleep in a separate bed. But if she knows that you know she is betraying you and dishonoring the M, and if you continue to sleep with her.........it appears, IMHO, that you are compromising with the infidelity.
Once the WW knows that you have found out about her affair, she watches you to see how you are going to react. Instinct tells her that there should be some type of response. If she sees you wanting to sleep with her, accommodating her, pursuing her, etc........any lasting respect she may have, flies out the window, b/c she knows you should not want a woman who has disrespected you to this degree.
So, it kind of places pressure on the H to do something, once it comes out that his W is cheating. That's why I tell H's not to confront the WW about her A, unless he is prepared to apply tough love. Confrontation does nothing but alert her that he knows. I'm not against confrontation. I am against confrontation without a plan. Confrontation puts pressure on the WW to do something, too. However, it often results in an action the H did not want. He's thinking if he confronts her that she'll end the A. ATM, I can't think of a case where that actually worked. I can remember stories where the WW would claim she would end it........but in reality, she took the A deeper underground and covered her tracks better.
What I am hoping you will do in your situation, is to get your b@lls back, first, and become an attractive male to your W. Once she knows you are aware of the A, then things immediately go into high gear and much more is required from you. It will harder living with her. You think it's difficult now? Just let her know you've discovered her A!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
