Today I took my middle to the pedi for a check-up. She is a teen now so I waited in the waiting room. I felt this unexpected flood of emotions and started tearing up sitting there. I remembered being in that same waiting room when she was a newborn in her carseat and when her younger sister was a baby too. It just hit me out of the blue -- thwack -- and reminded me how we all continue to rewrite history, even unintentionally. Because those were never sad times, and here I am now, trying hard not to cry.
After the babies were born, H took time off work and we spent a lot of quality time together. We would spend days just holding them, staring in awe, long walks, coffees, naps, and picking up older sisters from their schools. I recall these as some of our most precious moments together. I think the times we felt closest were our first years together and the year or so after each of the babies were born. I cherish these times we had and those memories so much.
However, what I realized today is that these same memories feel tainted a bit by what happened the many years after at BD. My tears were not only that of joy for my girls growing up, but for the damage that came later. Even though his A and our separation happened when the girls were older (not babies in car-seats) I was reminded of that time too, even when reflecting on a time that had nothing to do with that. I had to shake off those tears and ask myself "why?" Why does this still so many years later come up for me? And why at times that have nothing to do with *that*?
So I texted him about my sadness. And he replies that he is sorry, that he understands, and that he wishes he could change things but he can't. And I believe him. It's not because of his words, but that he shows my consistent actions daily. I know he wants more than anything to erase his mistakes and I know he is sorry. But he can't change what happened and nor can I. So this is no longer about *that* but this is about my own rewriting history in a way. Because when I think about where I thought his state of mind was when those babies were in car-seats, I wonder now if I was off. Did I not see something in front of me? What did I miss?
Yesterday I read the last thread by the poster ItHurts and it really had me thinking. Even after 4 years of D, a GF of 2 years, he still has a strong love and longing for his ExW. My sitch started over 4 years ago too. It goes to show that even after so much time, and so many changes, sometimes the love remains. Reading his thread reminded me that even if I never let H back that year later, I think he would still take up space in my heart, even all these years later. So now the only thing I can change really is my perspective on all of it. I am still working on that part.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
