Advice on my scenario pt. 2

[OrangeK]

Uhg...All the What If's. The "if I hads".

I have court in 2 weeks to meet about the case regarding the bologna R.O. that i have on me.
This upcoming hearing might be the first time i see my WW in person since Jan 24th.
The anxiety is mounting.
This hearing may see the TRO lifted (i actually dont have high hopes here, but it COULD happen)
this would be a huge shift in the recent dynamic of the whole situation.
I have not had a chance to gauge her mental state, where shes at with the A, or MR (if thats even remotely possible at this point), how things have been at her home with our son. Whether or not OM is still in the picture and if so to what degree.

I both hate and love her, i miss her and want nothing to do with her. She hurt me so bad, but made me so happy.
the duality of all of this is tearing me apart.

I want to yell and tell her all of the 1000 things she has done to hurt me, destroy my trust in others, rip our family apart and put her needs (or desires) in front of the needs of our son.

Im so pissed i didnt find this resource back in Oct.
I hate that I caved to her desires and filed D. I NEVER wanted to.
i just hope and pray the judge accepts my motion to place it on hold, at least until this mess of a domestic case is resolved.
I hate that it makes me look like an abuser. I AM NOT.
I never did anything to hurt her.

Venting over.
Gonna go try and decompress on my lunch break.
Musical therapy time.