Sandi's Reflections - Part 2

[sandi2]

Hi, I saw where your initial thread did not show up on your thread. There have been a few other posters having the same problem lately. Keep trying, b/c we need to know your situation.

Taken from your thread:

The wayward wife thread has been super insightful, and actually is quite applicable.
Reading through those items though, they're rough.

"Immediately separate the sleeping arrangements"
One of my short-term actionable goals to view if the marriage is progressing is that we go to bed together twice a week.

I see the point of showing the WW what losing the H looks like, but what's the consensus when that is simultaneously something that is viewed as progress in the marriage restoration?
As I write this, I feel like maybe it's only restoration if the A has stopped?

If you have a wayward W, more than likely she will try to have the best of both worlds, which is her affair and the benefits she gets from being legally M with you. She doesn't want to be your W, but she wants the nice things that come with the territory. We call it eating cake.

Every situation is a little different, but most WW's have a lot in common.......and that's their mindset. The WW threads were written to share a little of what I've experienced and learned.

I have to agree that as long as the W is in an A, the MR will not be restored. How could it? Certain aspects of the M may appear to improve......as long as the WW is getting everything she wants, but her feelings for the H will not genuinely change if she has OM. If you read the first WW thread, you saw me explain how a W's loving feelings for her H is tied to her level of respect for him. Having an A is the epitome of disrespect. In most cases, that disrespect did not come overnight. It took time.

Gaining her respect for you as a man and as her H should be the goal, IMHO. The decions and actions you choose must be seen in a light of respect by her. Any other efforts to reconcile seem to be a waste of time, IMHO. At best, you would be like roommates in a sexless relationship. Just b/c a woman stays in the M, doesn't mean she loves her H......and it doesn't mean the M is restored. That is one reason I try to encourage H's to start with the root problem......which is her loss of attraction.....which was brought about through loss of respect.....which came from resentment, unmet emotional needs, etc. Her negative feelings eventually breeds open rebellion (i.e. an affair).

It's no secret that men and women think differently. Having lots of sex during a time that you know your W has OM.......is not a sign things are getting better in your MR. Without reading your story, I really can't respond much more than that, as to your statement, "One of my short-term actionable goals to view if the marriage is progressing is that we go to bed together twice a week". What is the point in twice a week? Are you trying to warm her up to gradually get to a full week? It doesn't work that way with a wayward and where there's an affair.

A wife's level of respect affects her attraction button, which affects her level of sexual desire. If she has additional health issues......that can lower her sex drive even more.

Separation of sleeping arrangements is not an absolute must in DBing. It depends upon whether or not she knows that you are aware of her affair, and how unruly she has become, etc. But if your W is pushing for you to sleep elsewhere, then my suggestion is that you should remain in the marital bedroom and let the one who wants out of the MR sleep elsewhere. I am so sick of seeing H's get push down into their basements and alienated from their family! There should be no question who the cheater, liar, deceiver, and betrayer is in the sitch. As the head of the home, it is important that the man remains in the marital bedroom, and maintain his position as the leader of the household, IMHO. Bottom line here is that every person makes their own decisions for what they believe is best in their situation. I'm not going to tell any man to get into a physical altercation just to stay in the MBR. That's pretty much defeating the original purpose, if the cops carry him to jail.

One of your suggestions is to basically split finances to put her on her own - remove the 'safety net' as it were.
Though I understand your point (if you want out, here's what it looks like), but at the same time, because of the particular point in time of financial stress as it is (her stress), I fear coming across as bullying financially.

I tell the LBS to protect themselves. I have seen WW's completely wipe out every cent in the H's bank account, max out the CC's, etc........rather than paying their bills. She'll lie to his face and say she had to buy food or kids clothes or whatever.......and she's taking his money and spending it on selfish things. He cannot afford to trust a wayward W. Just b/c he wants a loving, trustworthy MR......and just b/c she once was honest..........does not make her a woman he can trust now. Let it be a warning. Him putting more trust in her........does not make her trustworthy. Cheaters lie. They cannot be trusted with your money.

Do not financially enable her wayward lifestyle. Since I don't know about your particular sitch, I can't say much more. Why would you feel like a financial bully if you were protecting your money and the welfare of the family? If she wants out of the M, it's not your responsibility to figure out how she'll make financially. That's on her.

During one of our bigger fights, I made the mistake of telling her something to the effect of 'good luck sustaining your lifestyle the OM'. She has brought up many times since how much that hurt her and how she now questions whether she's staying around for the wrong reasons (financial) instead of the right ones (love/commitment).

There are different cards of manipulation the WW will play. The two most common cards are the guilt card and the control card. She will either try to make you feel so guilty that you will cave to what she wants, or she'll accuse you of trying to control her......pushing you into relenting for whatever she wants. Without even reading your story, I can tell she is playing those two cards with you.

She has brought up several times how much that has hurt her, huh? Do you see the irony in it? How does she think her affair makes you feel? The WW is motivated by selfishness. Never doubt for a second that she is not contemplating what benefits her more.