No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

Mostly good stuff here! Good job on the spine growth, that is extremely important. The temptation in these cases is to become worms. Believe it or not WWs will respect you when you act manly and stand up to them.

This is one thing that became very clear to me after all my reading here. I definitely won't be the worm!

Her not knowing exactly what you know is definitely a good thing. I think you are in a position of strength if she gets the inkling you are aware of something, but unsure of what you know. So yes, this is good. It will cause her to interact more and start temp checking and probing to figure out what you might know.

This is exactly what I was thinking. Glad to have it reinforced. It all plays into the 'curiosity' element that seems to be what you want when using LRT. This is the one area that gives me the most hope for any possible recon, actually. She temp checks me and probes CONSTANTLY. Not about what I know of the A (yet anyway), but everything else. Every single day, she asks me what I plan to do, what I did do, how I'm feeling, if I'm mad, etc. She is clearly not detached in that she definitely cares what I think, feel, and do. At first, this made it harder for me to detach, but now that I know it only makes her pursue more, I can do it confidently and know it's the best course of action.

On the bed issue, yes stand your ground. When she says things about it refer to the Validation thread. Use validation to let her know you understand her feelings, but that you aren't open to negotiation. When it doubt, say nothing at all! Just get ready and get into your bed. She'll either protest, get with the program, or ask to return to the bed with you still in it.

Wise words. My first instinct is always wordy and long-winded. I am compelled to talk and talk. It's great that both you and Sandi have easily recognized this and checked me on it. I will remember to validate and keep my words simple and not repeat myself.

Just a word of caution I like to give to guys when they start to feel their mojo coming back. It is a good thing, but be aware that the emotional roller-coaster will continue. You will still have downs and that's easy to forget when you are on an up. The good news is that the downs get less and less frequent. But do not be taken by surprise. It is easy to give back gains you've made in the up times, but doing destructive, counter-productive things in the downs.

Also great advice. I totally understand as I am most definitely on the roller-coaster and my emotions are extremely volatile. I can already feel the downs becoming less frequent though, so I remind myself of this when I'm there. Definitely don't want to give back any gains.

Also, when you interact with her never be sad or depressed. I like to tell guys to show a little anger. Never out of control, but firmness. "Why can't I just sleep in the bed tonight?" Firmly: "You are ALWAYS welcome to sleep in the bed, however, I WILL be there too!"

This is where the biggest benefit is for me now that I fully know of the A. I am a very mellow, even-tempered person and it's hard to get me angry. Now I have a source and as long as I keep it in check, I think I can harness it to help me be more firm. I never act sad or depressed, but she does frequently ask if I'm mad, even when I'm not. I know MWD says to be upbeat and pleasant, so I am trying to work on this as it clearly isn't the message I have been sending. I have been pretty serious and determined to go about my own business and I guess W mistakes it for anger. Other than times where she pushes and the anger/firmness is warranted, I am trying to be happier and more upbeat.

My wife always responded to my firmness with submissiveness, even in the midst of her waywardness!

I am just starting to see this as well and it is very encouraging for me to keep going! Because I have always been such a noodle, it totally reinforces everything everyone here has been telling me and I'm more determined than ever to grow my spine and get rid of my NGS. It's almost addicting getting some power back in the relationship, I don't know how I let myself lose so much of it along the way.