No affair(?), no feelings...is there hope? Part II

[44tries]

Jabbing type of jokes between marriage partners eventually cuts too close to a nerve and if the receiving spouse expresses hurt or anger, the spouse throwing the jab will claim s/he was just joking. It feeds an undercurrent of disrespect and unresolved issues. From my observations IRL, it is a dangerous game for a MR. This is the perfect time for you to end your line of the jabbing jokes, b/c I can almost promise that you will eventually say something from your place of betrayal. Dropping your end of that particular brand of playfulness when interacting with your W, will help you to maintain a more visible profile of love and respect.

I completely agree and this is what I intend to do. It is impossible to not allow any of my emotions to come out in comments or jokes of that nature, so I just have to avoid them altogether.

No, it's too wordy and self-righteous. It sounds as if you are aiming for some type of confession from her. This is an example of how it would overflow into your so-called joking and most of your verbal interaction with her.......if you are not watchful over yourself.

Thanks for your feedback. I understand what you mean; I do not want a confession out of her. The 'wrong' doesn't even have to be the A, it could just be breaking the marriage vow. I don't want to sound self-righteous, I guess my struggle will be not feeling that way if she pushes me too far. It's hard not to feel like I am right when she insists that it is reasonable for her to get to sleep in the bed. I wouldn't use this type of wording at all if she doesn't push and push, I'm just worried she will. But, you're right, if she does, and my original statement wasn't enough for some reason, I will just tell her I can't control where she sleeps, but I will be in the bed regardless.

If there is a second bedroom in the house, then she just needs to get another bed, a blow up mattress, or a sleeping bag. It's not your problem. No need for a preachy response, just say you aren't leaving your bed. There is no need to repeat your reasons. (For some reason, LBH's always feel it is necessary to "remind" and repeat points to the WW. No, she heard you the first time).

There is more than one extra room and the one she is in has two beds she can choose from, so I'm rather surprised she is having that much of a problem. I think she is mostly subconsciously (or even consciously) testing the boundary and trying to reestablish her familiar feeling of power and control. Which is why she is still pushing, despite definitely hearing me the first time.

When she says something to the dogs intended for your ears, like it must be nice to sleep in the bed.......either ignore it, or agree. There is plenty you could be saying to the dogs.....right? But, that's a little immature, so don't stoop to that level.

I completely agree it is immature and if I have something to say, I will say it directly. I ignore all her indirect comments. She has extreme problems with passive-aggression and I have begun to just call her out on it. She will say things like "I'm hungry and don't know what to eat" and thinks that is her way of directly asking me to go make her some food. She tried to pull this just last night. She is sick and after five passive-aggressive comments, all of which I ignored, I said "if you really need me to get you something, you need to ask me directly." She still couldn't grasp the concept! She will learn quickly that I will no longer jump when she makes comments like these and if she ever wants anything from me, it better be important and she needs to be very explicit with the request.