Can I really do this?

[Dtrmned]

Oh the ups and downs of a WAW in an MLC!

W was please as anything when I got home last evening. Still reeling from pulling her back as she had her back brace on and adjusted it every 15 minutes so everyone would hear in the room as it has very loud velcro straps. Kids were studying and I was returning a couple of emails prior to my run. No one said anything. I checked on the kids work and headed out for my run prior to dinner.

Dinner was pleasant. My W, who couldn't eat for 6 months except for mostly broth and jello, thankfully is back to partially eating so all 4 of us sat down and had a family meal. Kind of a rarity for the last several months due to W's health issues. Kids did their thing. W and I watched a show, no big deal. W was so exhausted from her day she headed up at 830 to go to bed, Thursday is her morning carpool day for the kids so she has to get up at 5 to get her coffee and be on her heating pad for 2 hours so she can make the 30 minute round trip to get them there. She was asleep when I came up around 11. I woke up at 4 and laid in bed contemplating the day for about 30 minutes. Thinking of work, kids, and of course getting my mindset together to make sure I am in my right mind for DB'ing today. Got up at 430, headed down and worked out until 6. Heard W get up at 530ish and she made it down to her heating pad (our workout room is in the basement so I didn't see her, just heard the tv come up and her moving around. No big deal and totally expected. Finished my workout, came up and made the kids lunch then headed upstairs to get ready for work. Came down, wished my W a good day and also wished her luck at her doc. She has an appt today. I didn't ask with which doctor, or why as she has asked me not to be too involved with her health as I am too "controlling". Ok, respecting her space. I would usually ask her to let me know how it goes, but refrained. After wishing her a good day and saying goodbye, her response was that of a person who was a little ticked off. Don't know where that came from, didn't ask, and headed out the door.

Maybe it was her pain, maybe it is knowing that there is not much in our joint account and there are co-pays (there is enough to cover, I get paid tomorrow and will put something in there to make sure there is enough to cover what needs to be covered). Just to clarify, I am not cutting her off financially at all, we are just living kind of paycheck to paycheck right now. I have had to slow down at work a little as I am dealing with all these issues and being in sales, it shows. I moved my paycheck to a separate account when she got her own personal account and filed (then withdrew). I only did it to ensure that all of our main bills were paid in a timely manner (rent, health insurance, cable, cell, utilities) and to make sure there was enough for groceries, etc. I am fully open with her and when she has asked I have gladly shown all of my paystubs along with the bills that were paid. With her current mental state (not a jab) I just don't want to be caught with her draining the account for whatever reason and we are stuck in a very bad place financially.

Anyway, long paragraph and sorry for droning.

My half hour contemplation this morning was really a good reflection on what is happening and committing to the detaching part. This part is very hard as we are still living in the same home, sleeping in the same bed, and have 2 children as well so I cannot totally detach nor totally go dark.

Good news is my D has already made plans for, at least us (is W wants to do it fine, if not that's ok too) to make dinner and have game night on Saturday evening and we already have plans to make a really fun Sunday dinner together. LOVE that she is trying to connect more. Still have calls out to counselors as most are just too far out right now.

Looking forward to it being warmer, longer days so the kids and I can do more outside. I have no idea how W and I are going to deal with summer, but we have a few weeks to worry about that.

Letting my W have her space and contemplate her future. I am already working on mine. I need to refocus on work a little more so that is another goal of mine.