Thank you all for your support, it means a lot. Steve, I really appreciated your personal anecdote and agree that I don't think the A can last. I'm not getting my hopes up that it will implode sooner rather than later, but there is no denying that the odds are stacked against it.
Now that I have full awareness of the whole situation, there are some things that have become easier and some things harder. Easier--man it's like my spine got a growth hormone injection! I have no fear or hesitation standing up to her now. I am not rude, not a jerk, always maintain respect, but I have no problem telling her no. Even in the past 24 hours, the dynamic has noticeably changed because I simply won't let her put even one toe over the line. The tides are turning and I am gaining power back; she is noticing and the push-pull is in full effect. Now that I have completely stepped back, she is the one in the chaser position and I must admit it I'm enjoying it.
Harder--maintaining an attitude of love and respect at all times is a lot more difficult than it was. I need to be careful not make snide comments or jabbing jokes. We tend to joke competitively with each other anyway and now that my anger and hurt is an at an all-time high, it takes a lot of self control to make sure I don't let that seep into my tone or word choice. But I don't want to give her any ammunition at all to say that I am handling the situation less than perfectly. It is a bit strange to be fully aware and her not know that I am. I am not going to confront her or say anything about it, but the more she pushes, the more I feel I will have to imply that she is in the wrong. Since she is in the wrong simply by breaking the marriage commitment, I think this is fine but eventually she might catch on that I know more than she thinks I do. I'm not sure if this is good or bad?
Speaking of her pushing, she has been making continuous comments about the bed issue. Coming in in the mornings and saying to the dogs "Wow must be nice to sleep in this big comfy bed, huh?" Yesterday, she talked about how she hasn't been sleeping well, not so subtly implying her desire to move. Today, she declared "I am sleeping in my bed this weekend." I just ignored her. But I know she is going to push this. How she has the audacity I do not know. I will absolutely stand my ground, but I fear it will turn nasty. She has already said I am being difficult about it more than once. I am trying to work out how I can calmly, politely, but firmly silence her on the issue once and for all. Any advice is appreciated.
I have already given the line I wrote about in my previous post that explained to her why I was no longer willing to leave the bed. I will reiterate that when she says it again. But, if she pushes onward or tells me I'm being difficult, I am thinking about saying something like, "Ask yourself if you truly feel you have done nothing wrong to lose the right/privledge to sleep in our bed. Answer to yourself, not me. If the answer is yes, we can continue to discuss this. If the answer is no, the conversation is over." My hope is that this will shut her up, but if you guys think it won't and have a better strategy, I'm all ears .
I am feeling more motivated and upbeat about myself and GAL than ever. I feel stronger and like I've taken a big step toward detachment. I'm no longer worried about upsetting her and my only goal is the be the best that I can be and make sure I can look back and be proud of how I used this difficult time for the greater good.
Mostly good stuff here! Good job on the spine growth, that is extremely important. The temptation in these cases is to become worms. Believe it or not WWs will respect you when you act manly and stand up to them.
"I am not going to confront her or say anything about it, but the more she pushes, the more I feel I will have to imply that she is in the wrong. Since she is in the wrong simply by breaking the marriage commitment, I think this is fine but eventually she might catch on that I know more than she thinks I do. I'm not sure if this is good or bad?"
Her not knowing exactly what you know is definitely a good thing. I think you are in a position of strength if she gets the inkling you are aware of something, but unsure of what you know. So yes, this is good. It will cause her to interact more and start temp checking and probing to figure out what you might know.
On the bed issue, yes stand your ground. When she says things about it refer to the Validation thread. Use validation to let her know you understand her feelings, but that you aren't open to negotiation. When it doubt, say nothing at all! Just get ready and get into your bed. She'll either protest, get with the program, or ask to return to the bed with you still in it.
"I am feeling more motivated and upbeat about myself and GAL than ever. I feel stronger and like I've taken a big step toward detachment. I'm no longer worried about upsetting her and my only goal is the be the best that I can be and make sure I can look back and be proud of how I used this difficult time for the greater good."
Just a word of caution I like to give to guys when they start to feel their mojo coming back. It is a good thing, but be aware that the emotional roller-coaster will continue. You will still have downs and that's easy to forget when you are on an up. The good news is that the downs get less and less frequent. But do not be taken by surprise. It is easy to give back gains you've made in the up times, but doing destructive, counter-productive things in the downs.
Also, when you interact with her never be sad or depressed. I like to tell guys to show a little anger. Never out of control, but firmness. "Why can't I just sleep in the bed tonight?" Firmly: "You are ALWAYS welcome to sleep in the bed, however, I WILL be there too!"
My wife always responded to my firmness with submissiveness, even in the midst of her waywardness!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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