I moved and I'm now in my new apartment in a new state far away from my husband. I don't want to bore you with all the many details of the past week, but we arrived here last Friday and my husband met us upon arrival. He didn't do much while the movers were moving everything. We had lunch together with our daughter but there wasn't much conversation. My husband was on his phone most of the time. He then left after two hours at our place to return to his family who lives nearby. Our daughter was crying and begging him to stay as he was leaving but he left anyway. I said a few mean things to him about leaving his daughter when she's crying and I later apologized but it's really hard to watch our daughter suffer. He also knew it was my 40th birthday that day and didn't say happy birthday. His coming just made our day much worse as I expected.
My husband returned the next day and brought us a huge, expensive new TV. My initial reaction for the first two minutes was "please can you return this? A TV isn't the priority right now when we have so many other expenses and I'm not working yet...." Then I realized my husband wanted to give us this as a gift and he was proud of it so I thanked him and tried to show appreciation. He left and returned with a TV stand that he spent two hours putting together. Then he set up some other stuff in our apartment. I can't figure out him out...the day before he did nothing. Then the next day he wanted to be helpful. Towards the end of the second day our daughter did something funny and I looked at my husband and smiled and he said "don't look at me and smile, I don't like it." I ignore him and was unpacking in another room and he came after a while asking me how much money I have. I told him if he can't speak to me respectfully I'm not speaking to him. He said "I'm sorry but it annoys me when you do that."
My husband soon left but he called that night and said he sent a decent sum of money for anything we need. Then we barely talked the last few days because I had visitors from out-of-state and had fun with them.
Today my husband called and asked if we have enough money. He said if I need an iron (which I had forgotten to pack) he'll order me a good one. He also said he's working on coming back for a visit and will soon let me know when it'll be.
I know everyone will say to just detach, which is what I've been doing and thankfully most days for the next few weeks are booked with meetings, activities, events, etc... It helps to be close to everyone again.
On Monday I received a message from my husband saying, "I tried to call many times but there is no answer. Are you there?" I responded saying we were out all day and busy. He responded and said he just wanted to say hi to our daughter.
I'm doing a better job with DB now that I'm here, but I struggle to understand how to interpret my husband's words and actions. Why is he so mean and yet he buys us gifts and sends extra money?
I assume my husband feels guilty. Does that sound right? He hasn't expressed any interest in reconciling, so I assume he just feels guilty for leaving and wants to make sure we're ok. I can only imagine he wants to feel less guilty so he can enjoy his freedom more. Is that how others would read this?
Steve, it's so nice to hear how you and your wife were able to re-connect without talking about the relationship. This is where I failed two years ago with my husband. He left the first time and came back begging to work things out but all I could focus on, or talk about, was how we're going to fix the marriage, when we'd fix it, and I'd continually punish him and act sarcastic about his leaving. I wish I'd tried your strategy of just letting things happen naturally. Despite the fact that I should have perhaps just let my husband go back then, I think we'd be in a totally different place now if I had just let things go and stopped being so intent on fixing everything.
Nicole, good to hear from you. First of all, Happy Birthday! Hope you had an otherwise good day.
As far as your past mistakes, don't dwell on those. Note them, learn from them, and put them behind you. One thing I absolutely know is that you cannot change the past! I know, I've tried! But seriously, dwelling on what you could have done differently is only good for the learning it provides moving forward. The good news is that no matter what has happened until now, there is always hope for R. Even when it feels and seems least likely. Find ItHurts' recent updates. His wife is now making overtures at getting back together after their D has been final for 4 years!
So there is always hope.
As far as the expensive gifts and the money, likely your husband thinks that this is how you cover for poor behavior. Act badly, use money to fix it. I see this behavior in my FiL. He has a history of behaving badly, and then trying to fix it with money and gifts. My W has struggled with him doing this her entire life. Has your husband ever been in IC? Would he consider it? Based on the history you have shared with us, and his current behavior, it sounds like he could stand to benefit from some therapy.
My W's father is a child of an alcoholic parent. This has caused him to be extremely driven and professionally successful. Much less successful at personal relationships. And he sees his money as his power. Power to get what he wants. Power to control those he wants to control. Power to fix things when he makes mistakes.
Anyway, I will continue to pray for you and for your family. Keep your chin up, you are going to be fine. No matter what happens you will get through. You are a strong person and you will overcome. And you are valuable, not only to those around you but especially to your D!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
