Reframe, block her on IG too. My WW is an IG fiend, i had to cut ties there as well as all other social media. My wife hasnt posted much as she is still hiding from the public blowback of her affair being aired to the world, but OM posts often enough of the two of them together. Ive followed your story and its very similar to mine.
the less exposure you have to her flagrant BS that she posts the better off you'll be. Knowing you blocked her on all fronts and only respond to her when you need to will get her to take pause, and if it doesnt eventually. Eff it, you deserve better.
Strength to you brother.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
aaahhh man reframe.. you are in a tough spot. We've all been there.
I see Maika is fighting the good fight.... listen to him.
I'll be honest with you... she is not working on herself, she is not self aware of anything accept, of course, what her wayward mind wants. It's just bla bla bla words man. Whatever she has to tell herself to justify her actions is what you are hearing. She will not be ready to work on herself for a long, long time if ever. Heck, my wife didn't realize the mess she was in for a solid year. Even then it took another year for her to realize that she had to look inward. And you know what helped to get her to that point... me going dark! Don't care what she is doing.... and if that's not possible.. then act as if. Then one day you wake up and you actually don't care (go watch swingers). It's the fog man... that's all it is. The sooner you realize this and accept the better off you will be.
What was your response when she said she was going to buy a van and travel solo?? I would have ignored that for sure. And that's not being mean or being vindictive. SHE was the one being mean by telling you that.
Tell your friend to stop giving you details about what she is posting. If you want to know, you will ask. I had that convo with anyone who mentioned what my WW was doing on social media... and you know what... I never heard details of it again.
Keep on keeping on
I didn't say much. I just said "I thought you didn't want to live nomadically anymore" and she said "I don't know what I want. I just know I need to do some soul searching and I don't think I can do that here".
Then I just said "hmm, I see" and change the subject to animal stuff (i.e. shared responsibility).
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Reframe, block her on IG too. My WW is an IG fiend, i had to cut ties there as well as all other social media. My wife hasnt posted much as she is still hiding from the public blowback of her affair being aired to the world, but OM posts often enough of the two of them together. Ive followed your story and its very similar to mine.
the less exposure you have to her flagrant BS that she posts the better off you'll be. Knowing you blocked her on all fronts and only respond to her when you need to will get her to take pause, and if it doesnt eventually. Eff it, you deserve better.
Strength to you brother.
Thanks man. I'd seen bits and pieces of your thread before, but I'll go and read through all of it. I think I'll wait on the block for a day or so though - I don't want it to appear to be an emotional reaction to this latest post.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Hey! Yes, get rid of her from social media.. all platforms. you will be protecting your mental and emotional health.
Like AS said, the DB coaches are very skilled and will give you good advice for sure. I have been happy with my coaching sessions. I re-read what your coach had said you should say, and it does ring true - I Would just say it in lesser words and take out stuff about you are working on self-respect and all of that. Actions will speak louder than words.
If you achieve the balance between being firm/assertive and pleasant, then what you have to say isn't punitive.
Anyways, just figure out how you want to say something and do it once and then let it go. Don't keep repeating it. She's heard you.
Hey guys, a minor victory today, that was still surprisingly hard.
This morning I unfollowed her on instagram. She messaged me today and asked if I wanted to climb sometime.
I responded "Hey! thanks for the invite. Not right now." I got a response of "OK..."
I didn't respond, or offer any more information. On one hand this feels really good, like I'm slowly getting my spine back and not accepting the crumbs she's throwing at me.
On the other hand, letting go of the PERCEIVED opportunity to spend time/connect/etc is still really hard. I know this is the right way to handle this, and that I can't "nice" her back. But...
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Dude, good on ya. I think it would be an Olympian task right now for me to turn down ANY time with my WW, despite knowing it would be the best thing to do.
KEEP IT UP!
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Good one man! You will slowly shed the NGS with small steps like that. I know it's incredibly hard, as a recovering NGS I can attest.
But, you are showing strength and grace. You are also respecting and loving yourself, even if it doesn't feel this way right now. But, you will feel it soon.
Yes, I know the fear that I'll ruin my chances to reconcile by developing a spine isn't realistic, but it's soo deeply ingrained.
Even though I know I did the right thing, part of my feels like I'm blowing an opportunity to establish a connection.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Yeah. i totally feel you. i know what you mean, precisely. we can understand something intellectually, but our emotions can take some time to catch up to what we know intellectually.
Don't worry, your emotions will sync in with what you believe is the right thing to do.
I started climbing as my GAL activity and also because I've been wanting to do it for a long time. you have a lot of history climbing with W, and that can be triggering.
So, let's get to a new GAL activity for you that has no association with W. Is there something you've been meaning to try for a while? Let's start there.
