I was in an extremely abusive R and have some experience on compulesions. There is an abuse thread here which is essential reading. I will include the link.
I take abuse of all kinds very seriously indeed as should you, primarily this board is about repairing an M. In order to understand more then you will get more clean questions.
The RO enforcement is as a result of you not sticking to the order. You must stick to the order under all circumstances. If you do not then you will be arrested and jailed. This will destroy your life more so than it already is.
You admit to abuse, abuse has to stop. Full stop. No matter what else happens stay away from W and stop the abuse. There are children in this and you can be accused of abusing them if they are present with their mother. That isn't unusual in these circumstances. I speak as a woman who was reactively abusive verbally, what I call my screaming banshee phase. This occurred as a result of me being abused, my buttons pressed by a severely disordered husband.
Your W knows your buttons and you need to keep them out of reach. Completely, that means keeping away from her. Forget repairing your M and work on you. There are more serious issues than your M. There is your freedom.
You are the third H to go through this cycle with this W. And she likes to accuse and get the H in her life stuck with the abuse label. She may do that by ensuring she triggers being abused.
Whilst you may have some insight into this, I read blame. You may not be owning your abuse of her and the children. It is totally unacceptable to abuse another no matter what the dynamic is and even if there is provocation. MC is not suitable in these sitches. I am deeply ashamed of my abuse as screaming banshee and have worked very hard to ensure that never will happen again. That means staying away from R which will trigger this in me.
I think you have a lot of work to do on you. I know how much work that takes, in 12 stepping and remorse.
I think you need a great deal more help otherwise you may find yourself arrested and loose your freedom. I sense your W is right and your family don't support the R and frankly I can understand why.
The interaction between you as you describe it is severely toxic and extremely serious. This W only seems to be capable of being in abusive R. This is her third.
I think you know all of this already and nothing I have written here is surprising. It is my view that abusive toxic R are not worth saving even if they could be.
Constantly accusing you of cheating when you are not seems like pressing a hot button. Additionally you mention the sex was hot, and probably addictive. One tactic here seems to be for W to marry and tie herself with a child to each H. Her behaviour at first blush seems disordered.
Do you or W have bi polar or borderline personality disorder as a diagnosis? As these behaviours are red flags in both health issues and I think a clinical diagnosis for both of you may be required. If so there are some serious issues requiring addressing.
What are your mental health issues?
What treatment have you had for the explosive anger issues?
Do you or W have drinking or drug issues?
Are you in IC?
Have you attended abuse counselling?
Have you considered a 12 step program for codependency?
Where any of your previous R abusive?
Were you neglected as a child or abused?
I am not asking you to answer these questions here as although having a qualification and experience this is above my pay grade. However I think these issues require addressing.
My thoughts are stay away from W and sort you out. Bringing yet another child into a disorganised disordered mother is both dangerous and unhealthy.
Those are my views.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
